


When ashes turn to dust

by adela_19



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Absent Parents, Alcohol, Anal Sex, Angst, Bottom Dean, Car Accidents, Car Sex, Castiel and Dean Winchester are Cute, Comatose Sam, Cute Dean, Dean Cooks, Dean Freaks Out, Death, Depression, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gentle Castiel, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Making Love, Mechanic Dean, Mother Hen Dean, Needy Castiel, Needy Dean, Nightmares, Oral Sex, Panic Attacks, Pining Castiel, Self Confidence Issues, Sex, Sleep Deprivation, Slow Build, Smartass Castiel, Therapist Castiel, Top Castiel, i cried writing this i'm sorry, i don't want to give stuff away or to mislead you ahhh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-08-14 10:52:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8010838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adela_19/pseuds/adela_19
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That was it for him.That was the worst that could happen.<br/>Dean Winchester.A righteous man,so sure of his lonly future and even lonelier end that he never stopped to see the help that was right in front of him all along.What's going to happen when he finally decides to take the hand of the one person that he trust enought to lead him out of the dark?<br/>Maybe he is not alone.Maybe they will be alright...before they crash and burn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gaysushiroll](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaysushiroll/gifts).



> So,i had this idea for some time now and i finally decided to write it down,even though i'm still a little bit insecure of the way things will turn out.  
> Please let me know what do you think of this story so far and if you see it worth continuing.  
> Huge fucking shoutout to my beta reader(AngryEgg),who helped me soooo much with this fic.I love you so much,you hear me.

_How the hell did he end up here?!_ He’s in this room painted in a light beige shade facing this dude that has been talking for twenty minutes straight and he feels like he’s gonna puke _._ He feels like he’s sitting in a shoe box waiting for some big bad to happen.But of course this ain’t no horror show so that big bad never comes, if you don’t count the whole situation itself,of course.So,Dean’s thoughts drift away as Castiel’s-that’s his name, right?or Cassiel or something,of course Dean would know it if he hadn’t spaced out before the guy got to that part of his welcoming speech-voice keeps filling the room like a buzzing radio.

 Dean doesn’t want to be here,like at all ,and he could admit it right this second.So why is he here?Why doesn’t he just say ‘Fuck this and fuck you.’ and goes out the door?Because he’s with a therapist that could see right through him in a second or ,at least,that’s what Ellen said right after the ‘Be nice,he’s here to help you.’ talk.

As Castiel just keeps talking in the background of Dean’s thoughts he starts to dig deeper.

_So what if he understands what’s wrong with me?_

_There’s nothing to understand because there’s nothing wrong with me for fuck’s sake._

_Just excuse yourself and get the hell out!_

But he can’t.He can’t let Ellen down , not again.And this goes beyond her to Jo,Bobby,Jess,even Sam.He’s not gonna bail again.He’s not gonna run.He’s going to face every single consequence for what he’s done because he sure as hell deserves it.Everyone wants him to spend two hours a day ,three times a week with Mr. Fancy here?Then so be it.Then they’ll realize that everything is fine and they’ll let him go because he’s ok, but what he’s not going to do is disappoint them.

That’s exactly why  Dean is in a therapist’s office right now in his sweatpants and his hoodie and hating every single minute of it .He will stay right there in that chair and listen to the guy talk about cliché thoughts he seems to be so desperate to share.The guy apparently loves his job.

When Dean’s back to reality he hears something about confronting your feelings and letting the dark thoughts out ‘cause that can be somehow eliberanting.As he’s reciting the lines that Dean thinks is possibly the most retarded advice he can get,the guy is looking through his notebook with an interested expression on his face.

Maybe the notebook contains Dean’s darkest and deepest secrets and as much as he tries to reason with himself that probably everything is in his head, he can’t help but feel freaking naked right now.Like there’s nothing else to hide from this guy.As he’s studying Castiel  better , he can’t even imagine how this man could ever get through to him,bore him to death-sure ,but help him-no way. _Because I don’t need help._ But it will be nice to see him try.He could always help Dean fall asleep faster.That’d be awesome.Even better because Dean hadn’t had a good night sleep since the accident so every extra effort to help him achieve a night of sleep when he doesn’t wake up sweaty, screaming his brother’s name, is welcomed.

Suddenly,Castiel closes his notebook and sets it over a stack of papers, snapping Dean back to reality.

‘Why are you here?’Castiel asks.

Dean grins at him.It’s not because he wants to be cool or to hide his 'feelings' under layers and layers of cockiness,but because the question truly amazes him.

 _Why?I don’t freaking know.Why?A lot of things happen without us knowing why.But why?I don’t fucking know why!_ The question starts to irritate him so he looks down at his sweaty hands and says:

‘I don’t know.’

‘You don’t know.’Castiel repeted  blankly. ‘There must be a reason out there why you are currently in my office and not doing something else,anything else.’

‘There really isn’t.’ Dean looks up now with a stern look on his face.

‘Dean.I know that this is hard for you, but I’m going to need you to at least try a little.’

 _Why?_ is the first question that poppes in Dean’s head,anger starting to settle in for no apparent reason and he knows that he needs to get out of there before he does something stupid ,something he will regret and something Ellen will kick his ass for. He decides to give the poor guy a more complex answear.And there he goes:

‘Look ,buddy,I usually don’t like company and don’t like to cooperate and today I am not even willing to try, so if you’ll excuse me.’

As soon as the words are out of his mouth he stands up and walks out the door without even so much as a ‘Goodbye.’ Or a  ‘See ya.’.And just like that ,the speech he gave himself about not disappointing anyone anymore is just dust in the wind.But it was expected.After all,it’s Dean we’re talking about.

He’s out of the building in seconds,gasping as he’s trying to get air to go in his lungs.As soon as he can breathe again he runs a hand through his hair trying to understand what just happened.For some reason ,his short conversation with doctor Phil made him angry.His words still linger in Dean’s mind like that one song that you hate that gets stuck in your head : ‘I’m going to need you to at least try…’ , ‘Why are you here?…’

 _Why?_ will be Dean’s eternal enemy.He hates that question.He feels like asking _Why?_ implies that there must be a reason,like the question sets the boundaries of action in a situation. _Why are you here?Why are you a disappointment? Why did you do that? Why did you let them down?Why did you do that to Sam?Why are you here?Why are you still here?_

He feels his breath catch in his throat as a million question swirl in his mind. He looks around for people  that might have seen his short panick party but there’s no one around except a man that is walking his dog.At least he is alone.

He’s still catching his breath even though his physical effort was minimum.He’s so angry and upset and he can feel it in his stomach like a nod.He wishes he could just break something.Scream.Fucking cry if he feels like it.Anything that will push this feeling that he hates so much away.He doesn’t feel in control so he closes his eyes in a poor attempt at trying to regain it but no such luck. _But then again when is he ever in control?_ Anger is clouding his judgement.So he decides to go to the motel before he does something even more stupid.

 -----------------------------------------------

"Dean!...Come!...Quick!" a voice called from the kitchen.

He rushed all the way from upstairs to find his brother sitting on the floor with a piece of broken glass stuck in his hand.That was probably the reason why he was bleeding.

"What happened?" he asked clearly alarmed of his brother’s  condition.

"Dean,i'm so sorry...i'm sorry ...dad is gonna be so mad...I..."the boy’s  voice was trembling with fear.

"It's ok ,come on , everything is fine,everything is gonna be fine.We just have to..." he didn't got finish his sentence.

"No, you said i shouldn't play with the baseball inside the house!You told me and i didn't listen...i'm sorry" his hands were shaking, the right one in particular because of the broken glass.

"It's no big deal, come on, get up...let's get you cleaned up."Despite everything Dean managed to keep a warm voice ,try not to freak Sammy out.He took his brother’s  hand and led him to the bathroom ,careful not to cause him any more pain.He will deal with the mess later, like he always does.

Those were the moments that Dean loved the most-when he was taking care of Sam.He could stay like that forever, bandaging Sam’s wound ,telling him everything was going to be alright.But seeing the situation that he is in now that’d be a shameless lie.

The bright light that hugs the room turns into grey and everything starts to lose its colour.The scene fades quickly into darkness.

Dean wakes up alone and angry , with an empty  bottle of whiskey on his bedside table.He checks his phone and sees that it’s 7:02 in the morning.He groans as he works the strength to get up and go to shower himself, the dream playing in his head like a broken record.When he reaches the bathroom he immediately goes to the sink and holds on to it until his knuckle turn white and finally, he looks at himself in the bathroom mirror.There’s nothing important there though.He studies himself like he’s another person,a stranger , really.The truth is he doesn’t recognize himself or the person he used to be.There are dark circles under his once spring grass green eyes that he got complimented so much for.His forehead is wrinkled and his brow is furrowed,his lips a thick line reminding him of the shadow of the golden days when all Dean ever did was smile.Now he’s changed and it’s not for the best, but to be fair the times haven’t been exactly easy.

His mind starts to drift off in dangerous places  so he pulls himself together, strips out of his clothes that remain discarded on the floor and hops into the shower welcoming the relaxing sensation of the hot water running down his spine.He’s taking his time , enjoying the water and trying to block out everything that reminds him of the real world ,but his spa session is cut short when he hears  a loud knock at the door.At first , he ignores it, praying to go away, but the more he tries to ignore it the louder and more impatient it becomes.Finally ,Dean gets out of the shower dressing even quicker then he undressed if that’s possible and goes to answear the door muttering curses under his breath.When he opens the door ready to give whoever is on the other side a mouthful ,he’s greeted by Ellen’s small smile. _She’s probably tring to be polite till I let her in_ , Dean thinks to himself, _then she’ll kick my ass_.He disguises his surprise with his famous Winchester jokes.Glad he didn’t lose that treat.

‘Wow, Ellen,it hasn’t even been a week and you’re back.You like me that much?’

‘Very funny,as always.Now,would you let me in,son?’

Dean gestures for her to get in .He didn’t even get to close the door before Ellen crinckles her nose and says:

‘I’m glad your coping mechanism starts to get healthier.You’re down to just one bottle of whiskey a day.That’s progress,Dean.” She gives him her concerned smile after the daily dose of sarcasm.

‘Yeah,thank you .I try to stay in shape.’

‘Don’t bullshit me,boy.’she suddenly becomes serious, but Dean isn’t impressed so he keeps playing it cool.He’d rather skip the small talk anyway.

‘You started it.’

‘And now I’m ending it.’she sights and goes to stay on the bed ,leaving Dean to lean against the opposite wall.’How did it go?’

‘How did it go what?’Dean tries to play dumb mostly to gain some time to form an answear that would please Ellen so she would leave faster so he can be alone, but of course it doesn’t work.‘Fine.’

‘Really?So what do think about the guy?”

‘He’s fine.’ He answears with a shrugh.

‘So everything went fine?’ she asks with a suspicious look on her face, but he’s not gonna lose his calm.

‘As smooth as ever.’he reassures her

‘And you actually enjoyed it?’

He nods and hopes he’s not as transparent as he feels.

‘Is that so?Because I know for a fact that you turned tail and ran in the middle of the session without any kind of explanation.’she says that and then waits, but Dean is not going to find a reason or try to sugar coat it for her and promise her that it won’t ever happen again.He’s just not.

Just like that his ‘let’s not disappoint people anymore ‘speech  seems even less true.He’s in a freacking contradiction with himself.On one hand, he wants so bad to make it right,to right his wrongs even though he knows a couple of appointments with a therapist won’t  be nearly enough to repay himself, but he’s a work in progress.On another hand, he knows all of this is crap.Shrink sessions he simply doesn’t need ,wasted time.Everyone insists that he takes care of himself ,that he stops drinking,that he needs to go to a professional in order to learn how to deal with his rather delicate situation, that he needs help.

_No,I don’t need help.I don’t need to be fixed.I’m not broken.I don’t need to be helped because I’m not broken._

_Am i?_

He just wants to be left alone.

‘I don’t know what you want me to say.’Dean replies, looking down at his bare feet on the cheap motel rug.Ellen stands and begins to take small steps towards Dean as if she doesn't want to scare him away.

‘I want you to just talk to me.Tell me what’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours.’Ellen says as he cups Dean’s face and tries to catch his gaze with her own.Dean gives in to the familiar company just for a second there, going back to times when he’d be grateful to have this motherly touch and to feel safe but right now he feels guilty and empty,like a shadow.He quickly pulls away trying not to look at her because he doesn’t want to see the pitying and also disappointed stare that burns holes in his back.He’s pretty sure that’s what Ellen looks like right now, trying so hard to fix the other son while she still can.

‘There’s nothing to talk about.’he answears ,staying as cold as possible.

‘I’m pretty sure that’s not true.I think I have an idea about how you’re actually feeling.’

‘I’m fine.’Dean snaps.

‘No, you clearly are not.’ Ellen concludes before turning to look around at the place.’This is not what ‘fine’ looks like, Dean.Empty bottles of whiskey and beer everywhere,the rooms itself’s a mess and those are the exact same clothes that you wore last week when I came by,oh and look’she continued picking up a bottle of sleeping pills of the nightstand  ‘What’s this?A little help with your sleeping problem ,right? But they ain’t helping because I see those bags under your eyes,boy.’She stops to put the bottle down.’Now ,I know that I kind of sent you to a shrink without your consent but trust me when I say that it’s for your own good.We want you to be ok, Dean.We do.And  Castiel is a great  therapist and let alone, a great person, so I know he’s gonna do his best in helping you come to terms with this.’

‘How am I the only one that needs this?Why don’t you go to a shrink too,huh, Ellen?’

‘You’re sweet ,but this hit you the most,and you know it.Besides I’m not the one hiding from the family and staying in a motel room in the same town as their own house.Consider this a helping hand.’

_I don’t need help.I don’t need help!I DON’T NEED HELP._

He slowly turns around to face her again.She’s looking at him with the same warmth as a mother would.He can’t say no to her.Even if he wants to, he can’t.He’s just gonna play this out until she and everybody understands that he does not need help.

‘Fine,Ellen.I’ll go.’he finally agrees keeping an emotionless face.

‘Thank you.You just have to try a little bit, that’s all.And no storming out this time.Cas is an old friend and he won’t hesitate to tell me anything about your progress or regress as the sessions go by.’she says with a strict face.

Dean can’t say anything in return as anger threatens to swallow him whole so he clenches his fists to keep himself in check.He just nods.

‘That’s my boy.’Ellen says as she gives him a half hug and goes for the door. ‘I need to go to the bar .Maybe if you feel up to it ,you could come later , see Bobby and Jo.’ He nods again. ‘Ok.Call me if you need anything.’Then the door is closing and he’s alone again with his thoughts and repressed feelings.

His breathing picks up as Ellen’s voice keeps repeating  itself in Dean’s head.

‘This is not what ‘fine’ looks like’…

’We want you to be ok.’…

‘Consider this a helping hand.’…

_I DON’T NEED HELP.I.DON’T.NEED.FREAKING.HELP.I AM FINE.I AM ALWAYS FINE.I DON’T NEED HELP.I DON’T.I DON’T.I DON’T._

_Do i?_

When he calms down and he unclenches his fists he’s surrounded by all the glass shards that used to be bottles or glasses just seconds ago.Other that he and the mess he’s made,he’s alone.He’s completely alone.

‘I’m going to need you to at least try…’


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is really short and i'm really sorry,but i should be able to update the story sooner this time to make up for it.  
> Also,thank you for taking the time to read this fanfi.THANK YOU SO SO MUCH!!!

The red and blue light washes over them  like rain promising to take their pain away,but Dean knows better than to relinquish what little control he has over the situation to a couple of cops.With blood dripping down his cheeks ,Dean reaches for his brother in the passenger seat.

‘Sammy?’ Dean whispers ,but there is no sign of counsciousness .He draws a breath in, trying to pull himself together. _Everything’s fine.Everything’s good._ ‘Sam?’he calls again ,shaking him lightly,praying to God that his brother can hear him.Still no answear.He shakes him again,panic starting to sweal up in his gut. _What if he…?No.He can’t be.I won’t let him._ He concentrates on his breathing to keep out the bad thoughts so he doesn’t lose it .’Sam.’Nothing. ‘Sammy?’No answear. _No.Not now.No._ ‘Sam!’ Dean shouts this time,but that doesn’t change a thing.There is so much blood.So much blood.Sam is coverd in blood.Dean can see the wounds on his face even though Sam is facing the other way.His clothes are bloody.He can stand this image he can’t.

‘Please.’ He whispers again,voice cracking in the middle of the word. ‘Come on,Sam.’ Now Dean knows that this is not good and the bad feeling he had turns into full on panic as he starts to scream for his little brother.

A bright white light flashes over him and from there is just glimpses of the scene , short images that manage to scare him to death.Blood.Screams that are mostly his calling for Sam.Everything’s more blurry now.Broken glass everywhere.Blood stained glass.Silhouettes.People talking and moving fast, too fast for Dean to keep up with them.His dad bloody.Body bag.The car turned upside down .The road stained with blood. _Oh God so much blood.And pain._ Dean is hurting.Hurting so bad.He can't really register where the pain is coming from but he sure as hell feels it.He can hear some voices but all he can do is nod or shake his head.His body feels heavy  but at the same time he’s lightheaded.He wants so bad to sleep so he can float into nothingness alone,away from this gory nightmare.His wish is about to get granded as he loses his grip on reality little by little.

‘Sam!’ he screams one more time before giving in to the darkness.

Dean wakes up with a gasp.It takes him a minute or so before he realizes where he is and becomes aware of his surroundings. _Another fucking nightmare.Great._ He groans looking at the bedside clock that informs him that it is 4:07am.He can still sleep.His appointment with the shrink is at 9.There’s plenty of time, but he knows he’s not gonna’ fall asleep again and that still doesn’t stop him from trying.He takes a swing of whiskey and flops back down on the matress.So he just stares at ceiling remembering the better days when everything wasn’t fucked up,but fe fails tragically at entertaining himself so after about two and a half hours he gets out of bed to take a morning shower.He dresses in the same hoodie and sweatpants as the other day and goes out the door planning to take a so called morning walk before heading to the therapist to officially start his day. _Awesome._

\-------—-————-—--—----------—-----——------————————

 

As soon as he finds himself outside the shrink's door , he suddenly stops.All the courage and self confidence draining away faster than you can say 'crazy'.Dean hates feeling like this, powerless.Being in that room with that man makes him feel like this.Exposed.Vulnerable.Like he and his past are butt-naked in front of 'Dr. Castiel Novak'-douchy therapist,or so the tiny plaquete of iron that is stuck to his door says( not really though,but Dean likes to imagine that the little thingy on his door tells the truth).

 

He checks his phone : currently 9:06 in the morning , no new calls or messages. He's probably late enough to seem like he doesn't give a shit about all this but nothing that serious that'll get Castiel to call Ellen.Again.He feels like a freaking third grader.

 

He opens the door slowly , carefully , as if trying to maintain the quiet atmosphere , but in reality he couldn't care less if he disturbed Castiel.The first thing he sees is the therapist buried in a pile of notebook and files and lonly pages scattered across the floor.The desk and everything in a 10 Inch radius is a mess and Castiel doesn't look much better.He's writing something franatically in a notebook,which could seem like a life and death matter in the eyes of an outsider. _Who knows?Maybe it is._

 Dean clears his throath as he closes the door.'Hey.'

Only then Castiel raises his head from the papers to see Dean standing there ,unsure of what he should do first.A shred of surprise flicks across his face but it's gone just as fast before Dean can make anything of it.

'Hello, Dean.' comes a gruff voice in response.As if that was his que, Dean goes to sit in one of the black leather chiar for the patients .

'How are you today?'Castiel asks,while he lifts a stack of papers placing them on the floor,looking more serious than ever,but Dean can't help but chuckle.At his response , the therapist tilts his head slowly with a confused frown on his face.

'Did i say something wrong?'he questions looking slightly less tense. _Wrong?No.Fucking hilarious?Hell yeah._ Now he remembers why he felt so stupid.Does this guy think he can ask how he feels and fake a little concern and Dean would just roll over and spill all his thoughts and secrets?Yeah,wrong.

There are so many things going on in Dean’s  head, between trying not to give Castiel a piece of his mind about his stupid therapeutic tactics that don't intimidate Dean in the least and  trying to not storm out again laughing at the guy all the way to his motel room, it all feels like a blur.So he does what every other matur adult would do in a situation like his, he ignores Castiel and procedes to tap his fingers on his leg, waiting for Castiel to humor him again.

When the other questions Dean’s waiting for never come,he starts checking the office for a clock to let him know how long he has to bite his tongue for.The room itself is quite large,the color of the walls somehow comforting,much better than white walls, white floor,white furniture and the unforgetable white doctor coat that Castiel doesn’t seem to own. _It’a actually kind of relaxing_ , Dean thinks to himself. _One thing this guy got right.Maybe if i stare enough at the floor i can fall asleep with my eyes open._ He scans the room.Bookshelves on every wall, except for the one behind Castiel,where there are a couple of framed diplomas.’Best therapist of the year’ one piece of paper read.It was the one that was nailed on the wall the highest. _Yeah_ , _best therapist, my ass._ Dean points his attention to the floor,no rugs or anything,except the one under the little table in the back of the room.Next to the coffee table there’s a brown leather couch that Dean would die to nap on,but now he has another ‘mission’ to take care of.

After Dean is sure he eye-searched all of the room,he comes to the conclusion that Castiel doesn’t have a clock.He has wrist watch but Dean can’t see the time so it’s practically useless.The therapist is still writing in his notebook like Dean isn’t even in the room watching him , which kind of pisses him off.If this is a game to him,then he could be the second player.He pulls out his phone from the jacket’s front pocket.9:17.This is gonna take some time and with Dean’s sleepiness so far away he thinks he could play some games to help the time pass.That’s when Castiel speaks again.

‘I’d appreciate if you would put your phone away,please.I’m trying to keep a relaxing enviorment and i don’t believe using your phone as a distraction during our sessions would be very healthy for either of us.’Then procedes writing leaving Dean only with the echo of his words.But then again , two can play this kind of game.

‘Yeah well, you don’t have a single clock in here.How am I supposed to know what time is it?’ Dean said trying to keep his words even.Maybe he was trying to intimidate the man.Just maybe.

With a heavy sight, Castiel stops and places his pen next to his notebook.Then he threads his fingers like he’s preparing for a big speech.Dean doesn’t even know what to expect from Castiel so he watches closely his every movement.

‘Time is very fluid,Dean.What seems like hours to you, to me may seem like minutes, so I don’t see the point in you checking the time every ten minutes.’Dean shrugged and met Castiel’s gaze with a kind of shyness that he hadn’t felt in a long time.It felt really intimidating for Dean to practically have a staring contest with the guy, but it also felt kind of pure, refreshing energy washing all over him like rain during summer.For the first time since he met the guy, Dean looked at  him, really looked at him.Those blue eyes like the sky in contrast with slightly tan skin and dark hair made him shiver.He could look at him a whole day and not get bored observing little details of Castiel’s face.Dean’s thoughts were interrupted by the shrink’s next statement.

‘I know you don’t want to be here and I know you don’t want to talk to me because it makes you feel weak.I also know that you’re coming here because of Ellen , who practically forces you.’ There was a pause when Castiel started fiddling with his papers again, bending random corners and doing everything in his power to avoid Dean’s eyes. ‘But I, for one,can not and will not force you to tell me anything, but as long as you are in my office I’m going to ask you to behave even if all we’re doing is sitting at this table.’Finally,Castiel inhaled and held the breath in for a few seconds before exhaling.He knew he was being harsh with Dean but if he wasn’t going to talk then Castiel will fill in the silence.

Dean was stunned. _Ask you to behave?!Is this guy for real?!_ There it was, the anger again.Dean felt like his insides were boiling and he was going to explode if he didn’t calm down .He couldn’t leave again ,that was for sure, nor could he swear at the guy and trash his office until he got kicked out.He wanted to punch him so bad ,give him a shiner for days ,but as appealing as that sounded, Dean refrained.He ended up giving Castiel his famous death glare and fantasizing about kicking things and punching stuff until the hours were over.

Time has never passed slower.

 


	3. Chapter 3

For about three weeks,life was going much slower for Dean,if you even call it that.The two-hour sessions with Castiel felt like two days,the walk home felt like a year and everything was moving so gradual, so heavy.Nights were the worst really.That’s when time stopped and allowed Dean to think about the worst decissiones of his life, all the people he let down and how it always ended in tragedy for the few that dared to love him.With this kind of thoughts playing in Dean’s mind like a raphsody on a daily basis , he truly started to feel  cursed.

Apparently, therapy isn’t doing any good. _What a shocker!_ And frankly Catiel doesn’t even seem to try to get Dean to talk anymore and he is nothing but grateful for the change.He goes to his office from 9 to 11AM every Monday ,Wednesday and Friday.He actually knocks sometimes before entering his office and says ‘Hey’ and Castiel always greets him back before gesturing for Dean to take a seat.After he is seated Castiel asks him how he is doing or if there’s anything he would like to talk about and Dean always says he is fine or that nothing special happened so there’s not a single thing he wishes to talk about clearly telling Castiel through his looks that he doesn’t want to go on with the questions so with a heavy sight ,Castiel nods and goes back to whatever he was doing before Dean showed up, which is mostly reviewing other patience’s files or making notes for upcoming events or coming up with new ways to work with other people,the ones that actually want to be helped.At the end of the two hours Castiel tells Dean that he’s free to go so he stands up and walks out the room quietly without other formalities being exchanged.

At first,Castiel is not really bothered by Dean’s silence.He’s been warned of Dean’s stubbornness and trust issues and he totally understood.He knew  it was going to be harder to get through to him but he had any intention to try and help,but he never imagined approaching two months of almost daily therapy sessions without Dean saying a word about himself or his family or anything for that matter.Castiel thought about giving the hell up ,telling Ellen that he doesn’t see the point in her spending her money on someone who doesn’t even want help.It all felt unnatural and forced on Dean and probably that’s why he wouldn’t talk.But weeks passed and he started seeing tiny bits of Dean that made him realize how truly broken this man was and how he thought he deserved it all.It broke his heart to see such a beautiful man like Dean keep his head down and hide his pain even if the soulution was right in front of him.Even if he finally decided to try harder to help Dean in every way he could ,he was still frustrated with his behavior and he knew that chances for an open discussion with Dean  where he told him how he actually saw things with Dean and it actually making a positive change in his attitude are microscopic.

‘I have no idea what to do.’ He stated one night while he was driving home after picking Charlie up to have a ‘girls’ night together, as she liked to call it.He didn’t usually discuss his patience’s problems but the frustration was too much to hold it in himself any longer.

‘We talking about that hot dude,Dean or whatever?’she asked playfully.She seemed to be in a good mood and that relaxed Castiel a little bit.

‘Yes.’he sighted ‘Dean.It’s been six weeks and still nothing.No words outside casualities.’

‘Maybe he doesn’t want help.’

‘I know he doesn’t but I have to try.I, I have to help him.’he said staring straight ahead watching the road and the other cars fading behind them as he started to speed up.It was pretty late and so the road wasn’t that full.

‘Why?’ she chuckled ‘It’s not like you own it to him or something.’

‘No.I don’t.’

‘Then…what is it about,Castiel?’

‘Nothing.’ He huffed but he knew Charlie picked on on it and he prepared himself for the questions that followed, making a mental plan how to escape this conversation without sutting everything down completely.

‘It’s not nothing.You can’t just say that you have to help him and then tell me nothing.S’not fair,dude.’

‘He lost his parents,his mother when he was four years old and his father in a car crash about half a year ago. The same accident put his brother in a coma.’ He felt like a total jackass telling Charlie about Dean’s life like it was nothing, but she was his best friend and he knew he could trust her more than anyone so he let that thought slide.

‘Ouch.’she replied brushing a flock of red hair out.’That’s harsh, but it still doesn’t explain your sudden need to help the guy.Even more if he doesn’t want it.’

Castiel glanced at her but immediately turned his eyes to the road.Silence settled between them and he was starting to feel a little bit uncomfortable, but then Charlie started talking again.

‘Why are you really doing this?’

‘Because.’ He started but fell silent again when he found himself at a loss for words.

‘Because what?’Charlie pressed still wearing that bright smile of hers that never failed to cheer him up, but given the situation it felt really out of place.

‘I don’t know.’ He snapped but quickly changed the subject, as to pass the moment when things started to get awkward for the both of them. ‘Anyway, what are so smiley about?Making progress with…Meg.I believe that was her name.’

‘Yeah,Meg.No,no progress.I tried talking to her,tried to explain how she doesn’t have to be afraid to be angry sometimes as long as that anger can be used for some, you know, positive stuff,but she just freaked out and stormed out of my office.Again.I swear I’m thinking about tying her to that chair until she hears all I have to say.But that wouldn’t be very professional,would it?’

‘It certainly wouldn’t, but you know I respect your inconventional therapy methods.’

‘Yeah,I know.’she said still smiling goofly

‘But you still haven’t told me the reason of your happiness?’

‘Gee,Castiel, loosen up a little,would ya’?’ when Castiel only gave her a suspicious look she started laughing ‘Ok so,you know Dorothy ,right?’Castiel nodded ‘Well,she asked me out!Finally!’

‘She did?That’s great,Charlie.I mean she’s been giving you mixed signals for what ,3 months now?I’m really happy for you.I hope it works out.’Castiel congratulated her with a shy smile on his face.

‘Thanks.But I hope you get laid.’

‘Excuse me?’

‘Dude, seriously,you are a stuck up little bitch with fancy vocabulary.Like I said you need to loosen up a bit.I mean you haven’t have sex in like… a year or so and I think-‘

‘Thank you,Charlie for your immense concern regarding my sexual activities but right now I’m not that interested in that matter.’He said trying to sound completely unmoved by Charlie’s statements

‘Yeah, right.’ She mocked him.Castiel glanced at her, frowning just to make his point clear.She stuck out her tongue in response and that made of them laugh.Then it all went quiet and they drove to Catiel’s house in a relaxing silence.But that didn’t mean Castiel didn’t think about Dean the whole ride.

 

\---------------------------------------

 

Back in Dean’s hotel room ,things were silent too.Dean slept all day until his neck and left arm became sore.That second bottle of whisky was a bad choice,but at least he forget about the world for about three hours and now he was back and hangover and it sucked.

Everyday becomes somehow harder than the previous one and it’s killing him from the inside out.He can’t stop the nightmares,he can’t bring his parents back,his brother back,he can’t comfort the people left that give a damn,he can’t be there for anyone,so what’s the point in his existence.None.He can’t help people,not anymore.He’s useless and he knows it.He feels like he continues to live on borrowed time and it’s bugging the hell out of him but he won’t do anything.He’s not that gone.But there’s this inevitable question that just won’t leave him alone: _Why Sam?_ From all the people on this planet what did this happen to him.If he could Dean with swap places with him in a second.Without blinking.But it’s too late.It’s too god damn late…

He checks his phone : 7:40AM , no new calls or messages.He puts his phone away and makes his way to the bathroom.He didn’t mean to stay that long in there but as they say water really helps you think but as soon as Dean’s thoughts make a bad turn he dryes himself quickly and goes back to the small bed tucked in  the right corner of the room opposed to the door.It creaks when he sits down and Dean couldn’t hate it more even if he tried but it’s still better than going to his old house.

Even with the creaking bed and the throbbing pain in his skull he still gets to nap for about two hours until he got startled by something buzzing.It took him a couple of seconds to realize where he was and what was going on.Then he proceded to find out where that sound was coming from.It hadn’t ringed in so long Dean even forgot his ringtone.He thought it might be Ellen asking about how he’s doing or Jo or Bobby but the caller’s ID drained all the color of his face. ‘Jessica’ ,the screen read.He hadn’t talked to her since the funeral,his dad’s funeral.She asked Dean how he was doing and he just said ‘Fine.’ And Jess smiled  and continued to explain to him how she came to the funeral because that’s what Sam would want her to do even if he couldn’t exactly come and that she was sure that Sam’ll wake up because he’s a strong guy and he’ll bounce right back and all Dean did was twitch up a corner of his mouth in an attempt to smile,but the truth was that it pained him.At first,even with his dad’s death he remained optimist for Sammy ,hoping his brother would come back to him but in two weeks he knew he was doomed to be alone.Always.And Sam’s fiancé , once one of Dean’s friends became just a flesh and blood prof of how much of a fuck up he was ,another person that Dean had caused unnecessary pain to.He didn’t want to talk to her, he really didn’t ,but he reasoned with himself. _What’s the worst thing that could happen?I took the love of her life away.I own her at least a phone call._

As soon as he answered he was greeted by a sweet feminine voice.Dean remembered how full of life she was and probably still is ,how happy she and Sam were together and how optimistic she was about Sam’s recovery and how Dean took that away from her.

‘Hey,Dean.It’s Jess.’ She sounded so calm while Dean wanted to just end the call and crawl back in the bed or maybe under it would be a better fit for him.

‘Hi,Jess.’he nearly whispered

‘Look, I know this call may be a little’he heard her drew in a long breth ‘unexpected, but I just wanted to see how you holding up.’he misses her.Her and Sam.Sam and Jess together and it’s eating him up and he wants to stop feeling so powerless all the time.He wasn’t powerless.He was the one in control.He always had control.

‘I’m fine.’he cursed himself for sounding so wreck,but then cleared his voice ‘I’m okay.How-how are you?’

‘Still good.’

‘Still?’ he asked with a shaky breath.

‘I miss him, Dean.I miss Sam.’He knew this was coming.He was counting down the seconds till this happened and he tried to embrace himself,hold himself up,stay strong,if not for his honour of big brother ,then for Jessica.But then the words had a more powerful impact on him than he could’ve imagined.He wanted to crawl into hell hole he came from,wanted to stop,wanted to disappear.But he was still talking to Jess, who was most probably waiting for an answear.

‘Me too.’

‘But he’ll come back.I know it.He’s strong.He won’t leave us.I know it.’

As much as he wanted to believe in her words he didn’t and now he thought maube she didn’t either,Maybe she needed ensurance and positivity,but Dean was so far up negativity’s ass that he couldn’t see anything besides the image of his brother on a hospital bed,uncounscious,fighting every single minute for his life. _Sam.Sammy.It should’ve been me.Why him?Why Sam?Why Sammy?It should’ve been me.Not him.Please not him._ All these voices in his head and only two really stood out.His own, chanting like a choir in the back: _You killed him.You.It’s your fault.Look what you did to him.Your own blood.You shoud’ve been dead by now._ The other one was his dad’s: _Protect him_.it said _But now it’s too late.You were supposed to protect and you were the one to doom him.Pathetic,worthless son of a bitch.You deserve your pathetic life.You deserve it all._

‘Dean!’Jessica’s panicked voice came from the other end. ‘Dean, are you still there?Are you ok?’

He let his head drop back as he was fighting the tears that threatened to spill out. ‘I can’t.I’m so sorry,Jess.I’m sorry.’he whispered then he ended the call quickly as he dropped his phone and made his way out of the room,slamming the door behind him.

He got out of the motel in a rush,ignoring all the stares he was getting for wearing only a t-shirt and his sweatpants in late-autumn weather.He didn’t feel anything.He felt so numb,so disconnected with his sentiments,only a dull pain in his chest assuring him that he was still alive.All the thoughts,the pain,the tears,the memories were just to much for him.He was truly overwhelmed and shocked and panicked.It all hit him like a wave of regrets and poor choices.He was running down the street before he was fully aware of what the hell he was doing.

After a fifteen-minute run and ten-minute walk he found himself entering the city’s most popular graveyard.Apparently, his subbcounscious wanted to pay mommy and daddy a visit.He wasn’t even aware of himself at that point,he just let his mind take over his body .It was like Dean was watching all of his actions in a movie.He stumbled on the path between the graves and slowly approached their parents’graves.When he got there the numb feeling started to fade away leaving only pain,physical and mental.He was so cold and he was so sorry.He regreted everything.Everything he did during his useless life,he regreted.He touched her mother’s grave with the tip of his finger before falling on to his knees in front of it.He lost the fight with his tears ,letting them spill on his cheecks,but the wind dryed them off by now.

_‘I miss him, Dean.I miss Sam.’_

‘I’m sorry,mom.I’m so sorry.’he whispered to one of the graves.Then he looked at both of them and continued. ‘I know I screwed up and I’m sorry.I’m sorry.I’m sorry.Please.’His voice was trembling.It was so cold outside.He probably should’ve taken his jacket before he left.Well,the panicky state he was in didn’t let him think properly.Like he could think.

_‘But he’ll come back.’_

Maybe he should leave.But it was starting to feel comfortable.Maybe he could close his eyes a little bit.He did.He was rocking back and forth as he kept apologizing for being borned to his dead parents.He is totally balanced.

As he was whispering ‘I’m sorry’like a prayer he felt a cold hand reach his shoulder.With the shy touch came a gruff voice.

_‘He won’t leave us.’_

‘Dean?’

Wait a minue.He knew that voice.He hears it so often he thinks it might be stuck to his brain.He turned quicly to see Castiel standing with a look of horror on his face.Oh,come on!He can’t even visit his dead parents without Mr.stick-up-the-ass showing up out of nowhere.

‘Are you ok?What are you doing?’Castiel asked,while the horror was placed by concern.

_What am i doing?!Well,let’s see.I am trying to find the end of the rainbow to get a pot of gold and his leprechaun and ask for my long lost unicorn back.Duh.I thought it was obvious._

‘Are you following me around or something?Why the hell are you here,man?’He knew he was being rude but this wasn’t his therapist he was talking to.This was Castiel Novak , all time awkward being and a complete stranger.Who knows?Maybe the guy is serial killer.

‘I am not following you,that’s for sure.’Dean gave him a look as to say “Then what?’ ,so Castiel resumed his explanation.He pointed to a couple of graves two rows down Dean’s parents’ tombs and smiled sheepishly. ‘That’s my mom and right next to her is Ana.’ He paused glancing at them ‘My sister.’

Dean stood up quickly mumbling something under his breath but Castiel couldn’t make it out for the life of him.Finally Dean straightened up a bit and draw his shoulders back as he stared into Castiel’s ocean blue eyes and whispered ‘I’m sorry.I didn’t know.’ It came out way weaker than he intended but the cold was getting to his bones and the tiring walk and his restless mind were really cathching up with him.If it weren’t for this guy standing right in front of him he would’ve been asleep already…in a graveyard.He needed to leave and never get out of that motel room ever again.

He tried to take a step forward but feel on his knees right in front of Castiel who right beside him in a heartbeat holding him.Great!Now Dean can’t even take care of himself.What a pathetic human he is.

‘No,no’ he was whispering and Castiel was actually starting to worry that Dean would’ve done something stupid if he hadn’t showed up,thought he didn’t begged him for that kind of damaged.The truth is whatever Castiel could imagine ,he would never know the truth.’No!No!Leave me alone!’ Dean was nearly shouting but In that rhythm he would be rendered silent by the cold in about a minute or so and no matter how much Castiel wanted to just hold Dean and comfort him,he started to trash in his embrace so he let Dean go.As espected he didn’t have that much power so he scooted two steps away.

‘Dean,let me help you.Please.’He tried to rationalize with Dean but by this point he was pretty sure he wasn’t listening.That’s when a shivering Dean responded with hushed words ‘I don’t need help.I don’t need your help.I’m fine.Just go.Just go.’

Castiel narrowed his eyes at him.He was truly impressed how this man had the power to deny help,even on the verge of unconsciousness ,even bowed down to the unfairness of life he stood tall,he stood alone.And it was heartbreaking,but Castiel knew that Dean’s stubbornness didn’t have anything to do with him in particular it was just who he was,his principles that made him turn down help even in the obvious moments of need.But he wasn’t gonna back down that easy,he was going to support him,save him and show him that he was worth saving.

‘In your current condition I’d say otherwise,Dean.’ Castiel responded with a plain smile on his face.

‘What do you know?’Dean asked gritting his teeth.If it wasn’t for his excruciating pain that during this conversation spreaded throught all his body,he would’ve left minutes ago.

‘More than you give me credit for.’Castiel came a little closer he was closing the space between them one inch at a time until he was griping Dean’s arms and hauling him up.With shaky legs and raged breaths,Dean protested but gave into Castiel’s touch as he let himself be swallowed by the shallow darkness of dreams once again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry.I know I'm an ass so you don't have to tell me.  
> Anyways with Christmas break approaching I finally found some time to work on this fanfic and I hope I'm not letting anyone down and that i'm fulfilling everyone's expectations.  
> Thank you for the kind comments and the kudos.It means a whole lot.  
> Enjoy:)))

Dean was tapping the counter nervously as he talked on the phone,but that was still an improvement from the restless pacing.

‘And what do you propose we do,Sam?We get him into a rehab program?We lock him away?’

‘I don’t know ,Dean,but allowing him to get drunk every night and stay out and come home in the morning hungover…That’s not of much help either.’came his younger brother’s voice from the other end of the line.Even with the mess that they were in ,talking to Sam made him feel better,like there was hope.

‘I know.’

‘Look,I’m not saying to force him into joining rehab but we have to start somewhere.Maybe just pitch him the idea for now?’

‘Yeah,pitch him something when he’s sober and those times are very rare nowadays.’he sighted,pinching the bridge of his nose. ‘But I’ll see what I can do.’

‘Great.It’ll all work out.You’ll see.’

‘Yeah,I mean,what’s the worst thing the man can do?Flee to a bar in New Mexico?’He huffed a laugh.Not the best way lighten the mood.

‘Dean?How can you joke about this?’Sam’s voice whispered,broken. ‘We can’t know what he’s going to do,but we have to try,right?’Cause then when he dies you can say you did something.’

‘Sam,what’s wrong?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘You’re scaring the hell out of me,man.Please tell me what’s happening.’

‘I can’t,Dean.I can’t.’voice shaking with fear.Dean could feel his brother on the verge of crying and it was like a stab to the heart.

‘Hey,calm down,talk to me,Sam.’after a long pause he called again ‘Sammy?!’

‘Dean,please,you have to let me go,you have to.’

‘Wait,what are you talking about?’ Confusion and terror were swaying through Dean.

‘I can’t,I can’t hold on for much longer.’

‘Sam,wha-‘

‘No,Dean,you need to.You have to.I’m so sorry.I can’t hold on, Dean,I can’t.I’ve tried.There’s no hope.I’m so sorry.’

‘What do you mean you can’t ‘hold on’?!Sam?Sammy?!’

‘I’m sorry,Dean’ he whispered before the line went dead.But Dean was still cluching his phone to his ear like that will bring his brother back.He knew it didn’t,but he just couldn’t let go.

He opened his eyes to the streaks of sun stroking his face.It felt so comfortable to just lay there.He didn’t get to feel like that a lot since the accident so he was enjoying this,which was kind of weird because the motel’s bed was never this pleasuring.Except,this wasn’t his bed.He sat up quickly.He didn’t recognize his surroundings so he followed his instincts to get out of there and stay alarmed in case someone was planning to jump him.

He made his way down the stairs where he assumed there was a kitchen if this was a ‘normal’ house.He could hear footsteps so there was definitely someone with him.He entered the kitchen ready to fight whoever that was,but he froze in place when a pair of blue eyes greeted him accompanied by a big gummy smile.

That’s when it hit him.The cold and shivers and graves,his parent’s grave and tears and Jessica’s call and Sam and Castiel.And now this could not be more awkward.For him.Idiot.

‘Dean,you’re up!’ Castiel’s cheerful attitude was a subtle signal to relax but Dean wasn’t going to play the little boy.What happened was a slip and he would never allow that again.

‘Yeah.’they gazed at each other for a couple more seconds before they both opened their mouth to talk but Castiel gave Dean a sigh as to let him know he could go first so he did.

‘Why did you bring me here?’he looked around. ‘This must be your home.Nice.But you didn’t have to do this.’again it came out more heartless that he intended when the truth was that he was grateful for not letting him freeze in the frost-bite wind.

‘I didn’t have to,you’re right.I wanted to.’Castiel held the stare for a couple more seconds before he cleared his voice and turned around to care for the almost-burning eggs in his pan. ‘Besides you were really cold and on the verge of a serious sickness.That is no time for someone to be wearing only a t-shirt.’

‘Thanks.For that.’he spotted his boots near the entrance.Now he needed to find a way to leave without being too rude ,after all the guy helped him.

‘It was my pleasure.’

‘Great.So see you on Monday.’Dean tentatively said as he started to walk to the door.

‘Wait.Why are you leaving?’

Why am I leaving?Why am I leaving?!Because it already is awkward enogh!Maybe he was the only one that felt tensed , ‘cause Castiel didn’t seem to have a problem.Hell,he downright asked him why he was going.

‘I thought maybe you wanted to eat something.’he turned around with the frying pan in his hand ,and now the eggs had bacon on the side and the smell was starting to spread and Dean…needed to leave.Now.

‘I’m fine.I’ll just...’

‘Liar,liar,pants on fire.’ Castiel chuckled.Was he making fun of Dean ?If he was,the visit wasn’t bound to end on a good note.

‘Excuse me?’Dean was walking towards the counter where Castiel was standing,still smiling.

‘I get you may be feeling a little…out of place, here.You don’t have to leave so fast,you know.’Now they were getting even closer,closer than they were ever before…when both of them were fully conscious. ‘You are obviously not fine and I can see it because that is my job, so let’s not waste time.Let’s eat.’he turned playfully to the counter ,put the pan on the stove and grabbed two plates from one of his drawers.’We both could use it.’

‘Ok,what is that supposed to mean?’Dean said,irritation covering every inch of his face.

‘Well,I’m just hungry and you look like you haven’t eaten a good meal in weeks.’ He went to the tables and set the plates down before going back to take the forks and knives fromth edge of the sink.

’Maybe it’s because of the early stage of depression or maybe you want to see how long you can live on whiskey or maybe you just don’t care.I don’t really know,but I would like to have breakfast with you.Of course you’re free to go if that’s truly what you want, but I think the temptation to find out about the kind of ‘nutjob’ I am is a little bit stronger.’

And there goes all of Dean’s fight,all thought drained out of him by a therapist.A therapist.And the guy is actually crazy.

Dean sat down at the table without any further questioning.They ate in silence and after about 20 minutes,Castiel got up ,picked Dean’s plate too and threw them into the sink.

That was a close call.He knew that was a big risk,talking to Dean like that and he imagined the possible outcomes of his douchy speech and most of them ended up with Dean punching him in the face.But contrary to his expectation he took the words,no comment ,just slight irritation and joined Castiel and they ate breakfast.Together.It felt..nice.He could see Dean fidgething in his chair.So Castiel sat back down ,a little amusement on his face and went into his ‘cool mode’ again.

‘Any plans for today?’

Dean raised his head annoyed and after a few more quiet seconds, he spoke.

‘Look,just don’t.Don’t get me wrong.I’m grateful for your help and…breakfast…I-I need to go.’He sat up and ran to the door where he quickly laced his boots.

‘Dean!’now Castiel was down right confused.Everything was fine two minutes ago or maybe it was just him wishing to foe Dean to be alright ‘What are you-?’

‘No,Cas!It’d be better if I just leave!’he went out the door before Castiel could protest.

Even with all the negativity floating around in his apartment,Castiel still had a warm feeling inside his chest.Whatever Dean was running from and whatever pain he was caring,he now saw hope.He could make Dean see it too,could make him believe.Believe in himself.Dean called him 'Cas'.A babystep closer to realization and that’s what kept the therapist in place.He could do it.He could bring back the old Dean.

What.The.Hell?Was he hallucinating?Was that guy for real?Did he just have breakfast with his shrink?Sure the man seemed cooler than ever about it but still.I mean,he invited Dean.Yeah,after he gave him a shit talk.Great way to make friends.

It’s still cold outside and Dean is still wearing his t-shirt and sweats but the hardcore thinking that he’s involuntary doing is actually keeping him warm.And they said I didn’t have brain muscle.Jokes on them.So many ideas so many questions about Castiel that he couldn’t answear.Who is Castiel Novak?Dean doesn’t know.He’d been seeing this guy for 2 months and he can’t remember anything about him,other than his name,of course and that he’s a therapist,the best therapist of 2015, may he add.And now this whole ‘I helped ,but you’re so full of shit that it hurts,.He could see where he was coming from ,he knew Cas had good intentions.Yeah,another thing:Cas?!But he won’t risk it.The guy just wants to help.Sam wated to help too and look where that’s gotten him.No way.He wasn’t gonna drag the man with him.It wasn’t right.He won’t end up like his brother.Dean won’t take away his family and friends and life.No way.

Actually,does he have a family?A wife?Kids?It’s not likely for someone like Castiel.Now he wants to know stuff about him.Shit.He’s gotten under Dean’s skin.He’ll just have to get him out of there ,before he gets too deep.He’s not gonna have Castiel on his conscious.He’s not gonna ruin him too.He’s not.

Dean finally gets to his motel room and changes quickly into something that will keep him from freezing to death,hopefully.Then he goes straight to bed despite the fact that it’s 1PM.He dreams of his mom.

As far as Dean’s thoughts go ,he didn’t plan what to do when he sees Castiel on Monday.Never thought about the awkwardness or the lack of words he’ll have when he’s greeted by a smiling Castiel that tells him to go take a seat,not just gesture.It all seems like the grave-incident never happened, and he is grateful for that too.After all,maybe Castiel is a good shrink or maybe he is a good person.Maybe both.

‘So,Dean,how are you doing?’

‘M’fine’ he responded in the most cold way he could possibly pull off.He had to hide himself and starting a real conversation with Castiel won’t help him do that.Castiel frowned and tilted his head ,but instead of getting back to reading or whatever he was doing he kept asking ,even if Dean silently pleaded to be left ‘alone’ like a thousand times before.Castiel kept asking and pushing.Did he do something new?Did he visit Ellen lately?Did he plan to?Does he want a cracker because he seems pale?Is he usually pale?Did he catch a cold?Did he have any ideas for upcoming therapy session?Is there anything he wants to talk about in particular?

At first,he just nodded or shook his head,he wasn’t that kind of a jerk,but Castiel wouldn’t shut up and now Dean is getting angry and the fantasies where he kicked his shrink or at least stood up to him were starting to come back.Why wouldn’t he just shut up?What does he want?What?

'What are your thoughts on monkeys as domestic pets?'

‘What do you want from me?’ Dean asked without actually wanting to but these days his brain wasn’t in contact with his conscience anymore.Castiel stared at Dean dumb struck.

‘To help you..Dean.I want to help.’

Help.He wants to help me.I don’t need help.Why does everyone want to help.I don’t need any goddamn help.I don’t.But it was a little to late to rationalize with himself.Anger was on pilot and he was seeing red..He didn’t realize it until he stood up but he was gripping the arm rests so hard he left nail marks.Castiel stood up with him,which was surely not helping his condition at all.

Get out!!a voice inside his head screamed.I can deal with this elsewhere.At the same time another voice was equally making its presence known.Punch something!He thinks I need help.Imma prove him right.Imma prove him that he can’t help me,nobody can…Because I don’t need it .I can’t be fixed…because there’s nothing to be fixed.

As much as would like the second voice speak for a while he decided to just leave and decide what he’ll do when he leaves the building and Castiel behind.

‘Dean!’

He froze in place two steps away from the door.

‘Why are you leaving?’

‘None of your business.’he spoke trying to sound kinda scary but managing to be just like a rained puppy.

‘Is it because I kept asking you things,instead of just spending our time in silence?’

‘I…’

‘You don’t know.It’s ok.’ Cas was starting to get closer.Of course Dean was standing with his back at him but he could just imagine that annoying warm smile creeping into Dean’s personal space.Those blue eyes boring holes into Dean’s back but not in a bad way ,in a relaxing sort of way.No.No way.I won’t do this to him.He took another step towards the door.All he had to do was open it and walk out.That’s all.S’not that hard.But,as expected,Castiel’s plans were others and he seemed hellbent on getting Dean to talk,on helping him.He put his hand on his shoulder ,but it wasn’t trying to get Dean to come back in a powerful sort of way,he was coaxing him into taking a step back and he could just lean into that touch,but he stood stoic.

‘I don’t know why you don’t want help.’Castiel whispered. ‘Or maybe you want it and you wouldn’t allow yourself to have it.But I’m asking to stay a little bit more ,to stop fighting the people that only want what’s good for you.Ellen didn’t tell me what happened,what made you close in so bad and I admit that I can’t read you as good as I can others.But I want to.I want to talk to you and you to talk to me and not bolt when things get a little complicated.’

‘I-I can’t.’

‘Of course you can,Dean.You can do whatever you wish,you just have to want it bad enough.And I want to be there when you take down those walls that you’ve built around yourself and you finlly see that you are indeed worthy of a little happiness.’

Dean couldn’t take it anymore.All these words Cas was saying to him,so calm and so confident like he truly believed he was worth something .He turned around to face his shrink and Cas let his hand fall off of Dean’s shoulder but after he adjusted himself he put his hand back and Dean was so grateful for the little meaningful touch.

‘I know that behind that constant frown you have on your faces hides a beautiful person.You just have to fight a little to let him out.I’m not saying this as your therapist or as Ellen’s friend.I mean every single word I said.I want to know you Dean.The real you.I want to be your friend, Dean.And pardon my boldness,but under all that careless façade, I think you want the old Dean back too.’

He does.He wants the other Dean to make an appearance,the one that knew how to have fun,the one that would react to Cas ,saying those things to him.Tha therapist,Cas,read him like an open book.And now again,he was trapped inside his own mind were everything was crashing.So many questions that Dean wanted to ask,so many things that he could say,but he chose to shut up.It was safer that way.

He was wondering if Castiel’s words were true ,if it went beyond his job as a shrink,but that was a stupid thing to think.What does Dean expect from the guy?They didn’t have like a serious discoussion ,like…ever,and he just wants him to care.That’s not how it works and he is a retard for thinking like that.

He shrugs Castiel’s hand of his shoulder,turns on heels and leaves without saying another word.

He gets to the motel at 3PM after a long walk in the city.He still didn’t have his car,so he was walking.He didn’t plan to actually repair his car soon and Bobby would never take up a job that Dean used to enjoy so much hoping that one day,Dean Winchester,all time fun and careless mechanic and entertainer would swing by and become Bob,the builder.Nope.

‘I think you want the old Dean back too.’

At the motel he opens up yet another bottle of alcohol,that by 7PM is empty and goes to sleep.That’s what Dean calls a restless night.

He failed,He was so sure for a second there that he got through to him,but then Dean walked out the door,leaving Cas to ask himself what was still making Dean close in on himself.That was a stupid question.His brother’s in a coma,his parents were dead and Castiel fails at helping him.Today was such a backstep that it shook Castiel a little.He was aware of the fact Dean probably wouldn’t have started to talk as soon Cas opened up to him about his thoughts and hopes ,but he was praying for a little step forward.Babysteps,anything that would indicate some process,but there was nothing.

After Dean left,Castiel found himself having a really hard day at work.He didn’t do anything.He was staring at pages rereading the same line for hours ,only to realize his thoughts were drifting to pained grass-green eyes and broken smile.It was so frustrating for him and he wasn’t able to reamin calm or contain himself any longer.He took off early ,heading straight to his house.

He was going insane,that was the only explanation.After three years of being a successful therapist,he was going mad.He tossed his keys on the counter and went upstairs to take a shower,in an attempt to distangle himself from memories of Dean.It ddin’t do any good ,as expected.It was so unprofesional for him.He felt this need to help Dean,to make him happy,to see his smile,to take care of him,but it felt like more than that.If Castiel had the courage and assurance that he wouldn’t have a concussion he would slam his head against every flat surface in that house.He was boiling.For a second there,he thought about looking up the motel Dean was staying at and paying him a visit and not leave until he could see a change.A babystep.Anything.He saw the pain pretty well in Dean and himself and it reached a concerning lever for Dean because of his family and for Cas because of Dean.

He wasn’t scheduled to see Dean for two more days.Wait.Since when was Castiel the one scheduled.Dean was scheduled to see Cas.

On one hand he wanted to see Dean ,but on the other hand he felt kind of scared to see his reaction but at the same time thrilled.He didn’t know what was worse or how could this happen or how Dean got so close to his heart without saying a word really.

Days passed for Cas slower than ever.It was like the clock was screwing with him and actually going backwords,but no.The only one Castiel gladly blaimed was Castiel.No concentration,no excitement,no ambition.Nothing.Just bad news.

He was having a kinda,sorta crush on his client.His freaking client with anger and trust issues and fear of abandonment and talking problems and low self-esteem and slight alcoholism and depression and green eyes and tanned freckled skin and….he was an idiot.Awesome.

So after a day and a half of complete restlessness and no acomplishments what so ever,it was Wednesday morning ,8:56AM to be very precise and Castiel was sitting at his desk in his very comfortable leather chair that suddenly wasn’t so comfortable anymore,waiting for Dean to show up.There was no real explanation for his sudden idiotic behavior.He wanted to see if Dean was better but he knew deep down that was unlikely so all this false hope was the reason that Castiel was a light headed retard.If he expected Dean to show with a smile on his face and every wrinkle on his forehead and bag under his eyes gone then he wasn’t as good of a shrink as he thought.Probably Dean didn’t have any reaction and he probably didn’t care and was probably-

The door opened slowly with a barely audible creak and a shy Dean was entering the room.

‘Hello,Dean.’ Castiel greeted him with his usual smile and waited for Dean to take his seat. ‘How are you-?’

‘No.’Dean said,finally looking Castiel in the eyes. The shrink was stunned.From all the possibilities,this one never crossed his mind.Dean ddin’t want to talk at all.Maybe he would stop coming to session all together.Castiel’s heart shattered when he thought about it.

‘Dean…’

‘Stop.’

‘But…’

‘No,Cas…’he raised his hand ,as to emphasize the fact that Castiel needed to shut up.He took a deep breath and leaned back in his seat ,trying to seem unphazed.Whatever Dean was going to say,if he was actually going to say something,Cas won’t fight him,won’t convince him to stay,he just had to let him go.There was nothing he could do.

‘So’ Dean started looking at his hands in his lap ,nodding absently ‘I had this brother.His name was Sam.And i-I lost him.’he brought his hands to lay on the armrests. ‘We were in this car crash.I,um,I was the one driving and i…killed them.’his knuckles were turning white from how hard he was gripping the leather and Castiel was picking up on it all,how Dean was closing in on himself with every word he spoke and how he didn’t raise his head for a second since he started talking about his brother and it made him so sad but at the same time, happy and shocked because Dean was actually communicating ,he was telling Castiel what had happened to him.He wanted to stand up and come a little closer to Dean ,let him know that he was there and he was listening and he was appreciating the effort and that it was all ok,but he refrained.

‘I killed them,Cas.Sam and dad,i-I did.And they are dead…because of me and..i…’

This time there was no question,as Ellen told him ,Dean really believed he was responsible for his father’s death and his brother’s coma ,which Dean chose to refer to as death too.It was all overwhelming for Castiel and in this stage ,he didn’t even want to think about what Dean must be feeling.All these lies Dean was making to prove himself he was a horrible person.

Castiel stood up from his chair ,not thinking twice and went to stand on the edge of the desk right in front of Dean.He lowered his head to catch his gaze.As soon as he did,he spoke.

‘I don’t believe you.’

‘Wha-?’

‘I don’t believe you,Dean.I don’t believe you killed them.’

‘But I did.’he nodded.

‘You didn’t.You want to believe that so you can have a reason to distance yourself from the real world.But if you actually did as you so strongly claim,you wouldn’t be here.’he talked to Dean with this compassion and he meant every word and he wanted Dean to understand and he wanted Dean to keep talking ,to keep telling him his story,even though he knew it already from Ellen,cover to cover,he wanted to find out Dean’s side of the story, even though he imagined it was full of self hatred and worthlessness.

‘How would you know?You have no idea who I am.’Dean gritted his teeth.

‘Not entirely true.I know you and your brother are Ellen’s boys and I know she cares for you two and I also know that if you really would’ve killed your family ,you would be in jail ,not in my office.I can tell that you want to paint me a portret of yourself as a villain,but I can very clearly see past it.’

Dean’s anger started to diminish,left only with the feeling that he was defeated and he hated it.

‘I can tell how much it hurts you,Dean.Thank you for making this effort.Thank you for opening up to me about your family.It means a lot to me.I know you probably don’t feel like talking anymore cause my rambling threw off the atmosphere ,but whenever you feel like it just please come here.It doesn’t matter if you’re scheduled or not,just know that you are always welcomed here.’

A flick of hope crossed Dean’s face before he put on his his emotionless face.But as short as the moment was Castiel was very much aware of Dean’s feelings in that moment,be it hope or hate or fear or numbness or everything combined.

‘You don’t have to do this alone,you know.Now you have me.’the lovey-dovey moment was gone when he realized what the hell he’d said and he rushed to add ‘As your therapist.’

When Dean looked kind of suspicious with Castiel’s words ,his breath caught in throath,but he let it slide and so did Castiel.

Things were finally starting to look up for Castiel and he wanted to enjoy every moment of it.He was aware that it will probably go rotten soon with Castiel’s luck but he realized he didn’t care at that moment.

When he returned home a wave of exhaustion hit him.Hours of work and sleepless nights had caught up to him.After getting ready for bed ,he crawled under his blankets and let sleep consume him.The smile never left his face.Even when dreaming,his thoughts were fully directed to green eyes and freckles and he wasn’t bothered at all.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so MERRY CHRISTMAS GUYS!!!!I hope you spend your holidays in the best of moods(even though the holiday spark kinda left me this year).  
> Now i need to make a quick DISCLAIMER!!!! and say that i (as a certified dumbass) i forgot to mention that the universe this story takes place in doesn't have rules that strict as in the real world.Here a therapist cannot lose his job if dating a patient immediately after the end of sessions,but it is not recommended.This is an important matter still and i will not neglet to adress it somewhere in the up coming chapters.Cas and Dean are not that crazy in love(yet).  
> Lastly,i want to apologize for my messy timing inbetween posts as you probably have noticed i don't have a schedule what so ever so again i am sorry for that.  
> Thank you for taking the time to read my fanfic and i hope you enjoy.:)

‘So,my mom died in a fire.I still don’t know how the fire got started and I can’t remember much of anything except my dad telling me to take Sam outside.He was still a baby back then.Come to think of it,I don’t really remember much about my mom either,if it weren’t for the few photos that managed to be saved from the house I woulde’ve forgotten how she looked like by now.’

‘Dean,I’m sure your mother was an incredible woman.’Castiel responded.

‘She was.’he drew in a sharp breath ‘The love of dad’s life.That’s why he never got over it ,never healed.Always suffering after the loved one.And we didn’t do much to help,so…’ now Dean was starting to fidget in his chair,unable to make himself comfortable.That’s when Castiel knew not to push any further but analyze once again everything Dean said.

It was amazing how he got to study Dean like a book but he for the first time actually enjoyed it.Even when he was telling him how he never got to have friends or a real home before he returned to Kansas a year ago ,in a messed up way it made Castiel happy to know this.He wanted to strangle John for everything he did to Dean and his brother but the man was already dead.That wasn’t the worst part though.It was how Dean described everything like it was his fault that his mom died ,that his father started drinking,that they moved around,that they sometimes starved when John didn’t return from the bar fast enough and sometimes when he did he forgot he had kids.He knows that Dean,of course,blames himself for the car accident too.He never told Castiel much about that,but Ellen informed him vaguely of the situation.He knew Dean was in the driver’s seat and Sam was in the passenger’s seat and John was in the back and that he died before the ambulance arrived ,but nothing more because Ellen herself probably didn’t know more judjing by Dean’s talking habits nowadays.

‘I understand what you’re saying,but that’s no reason for him to give up on taking care of his kids.’

‘Eh,we were fine.’Dean shrugged him off with a fading smile on his face.

‘And you expect me to buy that?’here Castiel crossed the imaginary line he made for himself but he couldn’t resist it. _To hell with John Winchester’s A+ parenting!_

‘Yeah,well.I still don’t blame him.’

‘Why?’ Castiel asked,genuine curiosity coming to the surface.He tried to hold still in his chair when he just wanted to pace around the room but he knew he would give out an unsettleing vibe so be used his impeccable self-control.Funny thing:there was kind of no self-control around Dean.But what was he talking about?He wasn’t currently kissing Dean’s problems away like he wanted to do so many times before so he was way better at this than he thought.

‘Because!’Dean snapped.

‘You know that’s not an actual answear.’

‘It’s all I got.’

‘And it’s ok.Now I can see how you’re closing in on yourself again because you fell like you’re on unknown territory and I’m going to ask you to try to stop.’ Castiel found out that a little bluntness with Dean in the right moments really helped him.Sometimes Dean actually tried to listen and that did nothing short of bringing a big smile on Castiel’s face which Dean always responded to with a shrug.

Such a righteous ,conficted man like Dean ,fighting his way out of darkness under Castiel’s eyes and actually allowing him to help on his way made him want to wrap his arms around his client and carry him to safety. _His client.Fuck._

He was interested in him.That was conflict of interests.He wasn’t allowed to feel that.He could get in trouble,drag Dean with him. Dean just needed some guidance,not a crazed therapist having crazy dreams about him.What the hell was wrong with him?He never thought about this.He was so wrapped up in Dean’s problems that he forgot about his own. _DeanDeanDeanDeanDeanDean_ and _wrongwrongwrongwrongwrongwrong_ were two damned words that refused to leave his mind.He felt dizy all of sudden.He wanted to go home for the first time in years.Castiel loved his job and his office and the concept of helping people,but right now as every single problem in his life made it's way to the surface of his thoughts ,he wished nothing more then to be surrounded by the warmth of his home.

‘Hey,Cas.You ok?’a voice shatterd all of his thoughs like thin glass.It was Dean standing in the doorway,shy but slightly worried smile on his face.Castiel couldn’t help but smile back.Just two more second and then he’ll be alone.

‘Yes,Dean.Thank you.’he nodded.

‘Awesome.See ya’ Friday.’and then he was gone.

With the lonlyness came the priority of his last thoughts.He couldn’t think straight.There were all these ideas in his head like what would Dean say?Would he freak out?Would he be cool but still not want Castiel as his therapist anymore?Would he report Castiel?Would he get in trouble?What happened to the best therapist?Was he really falling for Dean Winchester who had more problems than hair?Was that because he didn’t have sexual intercourse in a while?Should he go search for some?Would a night with a stranger take this edge?Should he give up on Dean because he was an idiot?That was a solid NO.

Still his head was hurting ,his breaths were shallow and he wanted to sleep for a week.Ignoring all his other work,he quickly checked his notebook to see if there were other people scheduled for today and luckly it was just Dean.Just Dean…

He never got home so fast .Although it was 1PM ,he went to take a shower and after all of his disturbing thoughts still refused to leave him,he borrowed a page from Dean’s playbook and opened a bottle of bourbon to help him go to sleep and surprisingly it worked.Castiel couldn’t be more glad that he got drunk.

 

 

Dean got to the motel quiet late that day, but hours of walking through the town would do that to you.Hours when Dean got to walk and to think.That’s about all he did thse days,but now it seemed a little bit relaxing which was a plus but still the blue eyes that haunted him always found a way to disturb his peaceful atmosphere and today was no exception.

He was so attracted to the guy it seemed unreal.All that struggle of his to stay away from other potential victims got rotten when Castiel flashed him that beautiful smile,Dean’s thoughts forgotten as if they never existed.And sometimes he was scared that it was getting out of hand,but never cared more to think about it past just wrong ideas.He was playing it cool so it was all fine.He thought.It’s not like something would ever happen.Dean was pretty sure that was a rule or something that said it was wrong to have other relationships with your therapist outside the office.Plus Castiel would probably think he’s sick…well,sicker.

Dean himself couldn’t explain how he ended up displaing his life in front of Cas,but it sort of didn’t bother him anymore.He sure as hell wasn’t bothered when he saw Castiel listening so intrigued like he actually gave a damn but that’s probably what means to be a shrink,spending your days listening to pathetic idiots who couldn’t do so much as manage their brain matter.He really was pathetic.Whatever pity smile he got shouldn’t make him feel better,no matter who the smile’s owner was.He should be disgusted.With himself.His dad was right.What kind of good son ends up this way?Dean’s not a good son,or brother,or just person.He’s not.

Waking up to the crude reality felt like a punch to the gut.Well at least Castiel’s face was gone from his mind ,only the disappointed look on his dad’s face to take that place. _Just.Awesome._

 The next day passed in a blur thanks to whiskey and Dean couldn’t be more happy about it and people asked why he was drinking.It helps the days pass.But today was Friday and he had to go to meet with his therapist,which even if he will never admit,made him kind of nervous and excited at the same time.It felt refreshing and new ,every time he walked through those doors and knocked…sometimes…and Castiel smiled and they would talk and sometimes neither of them would truly say something,but now Dean knows how Cas refferes to ketchup as a vegetable .

Without acknowledging it,he entered Cas’s office and went to sit down as always but something felt completely different.Cas gave him a shy smile but barely raised his head from the papers that he was so meticulously stacking.He finally squared his shoulders  and locked his gaze but it felt icy to Dean and he was worried for a second that he did something wrong,but Castiel smiled again and spoke.God,there were bags under his eyes and he seemed so tired.

‘How are you doing,Dean?’

Even his voice was lower and it didn’t feel ok at all to talk about him.It never felt good to talk about himself,but this moment especially.Now Dean was burning with curiosity to know what’s got Cas on his heels.He had to play it cool.He was glad his so called charm wasn’t gone. 

‘M’fine,Cas.’ He nodded slowly and opened his mouth as if to speak again,but Dean was way ahead of him. ‘On the other hand,you don’t look so good.’

‘Yeah,well’ he brushed off Dean’s statement ,scanning the room behind Dean to preoccupy his time.

‘Did something happened?’Dean tried again,this time more unsure of his words and Castiel must’ve noticed because he shaked his head with the fakest smile ever.

‘I think it did.’Dean tried again,this time more blunt.

‘I think it isn’t your problem.’ Castiel snapped,jaw clenched and eyes squing at him but still calm in a way.Ok,that was a little rude.Dean was just trying to help.And with a little bit more thought to the problem he knew exactly how to make it work.Dean raised from his chair and started pacing around the room for a minute or so until he stopped and looked Castiel straight in those ocean blue eyes.

‘We’ve been talking for like..what?..two months now.Actually _I’ve_ been talking and _you’ve_ been listening but still.You get me.’ His eyes turned from squinted with annoyance to wide open with shock.It was exactly what he was aiming for.Cas was doing this kind of shit to him all the time so maybe he could pay back. ‘I’ve told you almost everything about me and come to think of it…I don’t know that much about you.It’s not fair.’

Castiel was freaking gaping at him and Dean couldn’t be more happy about it.So he continued telling him about the equality between a therapist and his pacient even though he didn’t know shit about this sort of things but he was doing well if Castiel’s face was anything to go by.

Castiel started to regain his senses because he was closing his mouth and his death cold stare was right in place,right where he left it.

‘Dean...’he called quietly.When he didn’t stop talking,Cas raised his voice.That rendered Dean mute.They were practically staring at each other and when it finally became uncomfortable.Dean got closer to his desk and and started pacing again.

‘I don’t know what to say,Cas.I’m sorry.I tell you everything about me and you always take notes and you might as well know my shoe size from all the things you have in there,but you still refuse to tell me stuff.I mean I feel _inferior_ or _exposed_ and I don’t think it’s good for my mental health,but I hope we can fix this ,if not I’ll have to go to someone who belives in equality no matter what and who doesn’t think tomatoes are _fruit_.’Dean flashed his cockiest smile like he knew that this was engame and he was the winner.

‘But they _are_ ,Dean!’ Castiel  raised from his chair,a hand placed on his desk for support.

‘I refuse to believe I’ve been eating pizza with _fruit_ ,Cas!’Dean responds with the same angry-mocking kind of way.Everything went silent for a second there where Dean started to think he overstepped his boundaries but before he got too far into his thoughts,they both started laughing .

After a few minutes or maybe seconds,Dean couldn't really tell, of laughing that quickly turned into basically starring at each other...again, he shrugged off the awkward silence and tried again, but this time in a more friendly manner.

‘So you want to talk about it?’Castiel just smiled in response.

‘Is that a yes?’

‘There’s nothing to talk about,really.It’s most probably just days of endless work catching up with me.I’ll be fine.’Castiel turned to sit down breaking their contact and Dean won’t lie,he was a bit disappointed but he wasn’t about to stand down.

‘I do mean what I said.’ When Castiel gave him a confused frown he knew he had to develop,the guy was a psichatrist not a mind-reader after all. ‘About not knowing anything about you.Not feeling like an equal.’

‘Dean,I understand.But talking about me is nothing other than a great waste of your time.’ Castiel had this sincere look on his face and Dean knew the time for a chick-flick has arrived but he was ready to play his part.Besides if he actually meant what he said then he had another thing.

‘You didn’t just say that now,did ya’?’ Dean asked with a low chuckled but Castiel didn’t respond exept that freaking disorientated look. _God,he was really gonna’ make Dean spell it out for him._ ‘Look,I get bored of talking all day,every day about me.I’m not that interesting.But you,on the other hand,you seem like a cool dude and I want to get to know you.Get to know the guy that I'm tattling my life to.’

‘Dean..’

‘Again!With the ‘Dean’ and the grim!’he said his name purposely tring to imitate the way Castiel said it.He was always trying to stop the fun…yeah,fun.He needed to relax,not that Dean didn’t see that the first time he entered his office ,but now it’s just struck him as one of Castiel’s needs for fuck's sake. ‘Come on it’s not gonna’ hurt.I thought you’d be more fun.’ He complied ,sounding like a stupid five-year old,but he was too deep into the game to back down now.

‘And _I_ thought you’d be more quiet.’Castiel backfired as calm as ever but still wearing a fading smirk.It was only when he caught sight of Dean’s shocked face that he understood what he said.Dean was offended.He had the joy of seeing this man for ten minutes not weighted by his problems and now he ruined it all.Dean would go back to his cold exterior and icy stares and Castiel would yet disappoint someone else.

Just when Cas was about to apologize for his humorless joke,Dean did this amazing thing where he just smiled and nodded and Castiel felt lighter than a feather.

‘So,are you gonna tell me something or we just get back to staring?’

This is how Dean used to be like?Before the accident?Before everything? _That’s quiet a transformation,_ Castiel thought.And now Dean is asking him,getting close to begging him ,to tell his life story and for unknown reasons Castiel finds himself willing to spill all of his secrets and insecurities before this man to judge.Whatever,just to see that smile again,just to even the plate ,to stop making Dean feel like a inferior human being.In Catiel’s eyes he was an equal and even better person.With all of this attention on Dean’s character in Castiel’s mind ,there’s a shade of uncertainty ,maybe even fear coursing throught this beautiful mental object that has mostly everything to do with the green-eyed man that was standing in front of him right now.Fear of unknown maybe.Maybe regarding the problem that got him in this in the first place.Uncertainty of his feelings.Feelings for Dean.Feelings that grow on him more with every single minute he spends with this man.He pushes the dark thoughts away as he takes in more air in preparation for his next words.

‘I was born in a big family.’ He blurtes out and from where Dean was looking through his small collection of books on the other side of the room,he could see he had his attention so he kept talking. ‘As you might know,my sister and my mother are dead.That left me with three big brothers-Lucifer,Michael and Gabriel and with an absent father.’ The moment he said absent Dean locked his gaze with a kind of charming ,yet still demanding vibe.He wanted to know more and Castiel was happy to oblige. ‘Except ,maybe,Gabriel and Anna ,when she was still alive,I was never that close with my brothers and my father made sure to keep his distance so I never got to know him even a little bit.’ And Dean seemed so moved by this story that it almost made him tear up ,but he continued to remember his painful past just because he wanted him to.This was really stupid and he knew he would hate himself later for it ,but for now he just kept going.Maybe because he couldn’t make himself stop. ‘It was all a little bit…painful…I guess,for me to live without the comfort that my family should have provided me,but I won’t blame them.They all had their problems.And it was all peaceful that way.Until I decided to be an even bigger ‘freak’ and let the family know of my true sexual orientation.’ At that Dean’s eyes widened and Castiel could see pretty clear the question mark in his gaze ‘I am sexually attracted to men,too.When I told them about it,dad was-as expected-uncaring and just kept doing his work without even a pat on the back or a thought or something.Gabriel was the one that told me to just do me and that he was proud of me,but Michael and Lucifer were truly digusted and I never did anything about it,I silently listened to all of their rants and names that they would use to label the people like me.And after about two years ,I left for college and never came back.’ Being caught up in his own memories didn’t allow him to see Dean standing right in front of him,hands on the desk and still having that defeated face on.As eliberating as he thought sharing his past with Dean would be ,the one thing he sure as hell didn’t need was the man’s pity.

Dean leaned in closer over the desk and whispered ,like talking with a normal voice would hurt him.

‘I’m sorry.’ He simply said ,but Castiel wanted to scream and to kick and to punch and to scream some more.He got up again to go to bookshelves where Dean was standing  a few minutes ago.

‘I don’t need your pity.’ He bit.

‘Good.’Dean responded,seeming so sure of himself that it made Castiel shudder . ‘Cause you’re not gonna’ get it.’Now Dean was leaning on his desk,eyes boring holes in Castiel's back,silently begging him to turn around already.When he did ,Dean started speaking again. ‘I just said that I’m sorry.I’m sorry for your douchebag family and I’m sorry that you lost your mom _and_ your sister and I’m sorry that you were misunderstood and misjudged ,but don’t think of it as pity.I know,kind of,actually how you feel and I certainly know better than to pity you right now.Call it empathy.’

‘Thank you,Dean.’ He smiled at him hoping for this to be over ,but he saw that Dean was unsettled,so he anticipated there was more coming.

‘Cas,I’m sorry,in advance,for this.But,how did your mom and your sister die?’now,he knew he crossed the line but he was way too curious to pass this up.

‘Another time,Dean.’ Castiel replied ,no emotion on his face what so ever.

‘I get it.Thank you for telling me though.’

‘No problem.’

‘I mean,it probably helped you pull that stick out of your ass for a little bit .’ and that was another line crossed,but Dean knew it was time for him to leave,but now he also knew that Castiel was an amazing person with an unfair past that helped him with his shit ,so Dean was gonna return the favor as best as he could.

‘It most certainly did.’Castiel chuckled.

‘Let’s celebrate tonight.’Dean threw an idea there as casual as he could but probably the frustration in his eyes was giving him away.

‘Excuse me?’

‘Yeah,celebrate,you know.Me having proof that you’re a real person and not a serial killer and you telling your backstory to a complete retard,huh?What do you say?’

‘You are not a retard,Dean.A little insecure,yes and angry and compulsive and…’

‘Ok,I got it!’ Dean cut him off.

‘But surely not a retard.’Castiel finished off.

‘Is that a yes?’Dean found himself asking that particular question more often with Castiel.

‘I don’t know.I was supposed to go to Charlie’s for movies and popcorn and probably girltalk.She’s been having a long week.’

‘Awesome.Bring her along.The more the merrier.’

‘I suppose we could do that.’ Castiel gave him a thoughtful look to which Dean just smircked.

‘Great.What time and where were you supposed to meet her?’

‘Well,she was gonna come by at 7 and then I was going to drive her home.’

‘I’ll be here at 6:55 and you could drive us all to the bar since I don’t have a functioning car.’Dean turned around on his heels and went for the door ,saying a casual ‘See ya’ as he exited the room.When he finally left Castiel spoke to the empty room ‘This is going to be fun.’ And then went back to his desk to get ready for his next appointment,the smile never leaving his face.

As the hour got closer ,the time passed way slower than it should’ve for Castiel.He felt selfish when people were talking to him and he wasn’t at the top of his game ,but he had a kinda-sorta-date to attend and he was excited.Like for real excited and nervous.Charlie was right.He was way too uptight.He needed to relax.Still struck with awe from remembering the day he had ,he showed the last client out.It was 6:50 and Dean was supposed to show up in 5 minutes.He wasn’t that blind,ok?Dean wasn’t Superman.He would probably be a little late.Actually,if he thought better about it,Dean would look pretty good as Batman.Maybe it was because of his kind eyes ,seemed like a do-gooder or possibly the chiseled jaw,most certainly the…

The door opened abruptly and a smiley Dean walked in.Castiel checked the clock.6:54.Hm.So,maybe Dean was Batman?His eyes darted through the room before landing on the other man.He looked…different.Black leather jacket and jeans that stayed lean on his hips with the unseparable hunting boots.Dean was handsome.Truly beautiful.Not that Castiel failed to realized that the first moment he laid eyes on him ,but now it all struck him so hard that he thought he was gonna be sick.This was the way Dean dressed when he went to a bar…to pick up nice girls for shameless one night stands.There it was again.The sick-feeling in his gut.Now he wanted to slap himself for being jealous but probably Dean would have something to say about that.He brushed the unrequiered feelings off and shrugged.

‘Charlie should be here soon.’

‘That’s ok.We’ll just wait for her.’he said going to his desk to plain sit his ass on it.Normally Castiel would tell him or any other person to behave ,but he didn’t have it in himself tonight. ‘How was your day,doc?’He asked with the same big smile he had when he entered the room.Castiel smiled back and lied that it was ok and everything was coming up great and everything was just… _awesome_.

‘As good as your day was,I can’t wait to go to that bar and drink something.That always helps with the relaxation part.’

‘Dean,I don’t..’

‘I hope it will help with that stick that has undeniably shoved itself again up your ass.’ Where he would complain,Castiel found himself laughing,where he would roll his eyes,he smiled,where he would feel weighted by daily problems,he felt lighter than air and as he suspected it was all because of Dean.Dean freaking Winchester.

Somebody knocked lightly at the door and Castiel shouted for whoever that was to come in.After two seconds of waiting a red-haired woman made her way in the room with a loud ‘What’s up,bitches?’ She went straight for Castiel to hug him.When the hug was over she patted him lighly on the back and extended her hand to Dean and Dean shook it smiling.

‘I’m Charlie.’she introduced herself.

‘Dean.’ He responded and in that moment Charlie’s eyes went wide and glanced for a second at Castiel with an expressionless face and Dean was completely confused so he kept talking. ‘I’m one of Castiel’s patience and I’m here in an attempt to pull the bat out of his butt.’

Charlie half laughed-half snorted at that and Dean was proud of himself for a joke well made.He was mentally patting himself on the back.

‘Funny!’Castiel recoiled.

‘That‘s how people would describe me as,yes.’Dean quickly said.When Charlie fixed him with her stare he began talking again to tend the awkwardness .‘So,you’re a Star Wars fan.’ He pointed to her shirt.

‘Duuuh.I'm in pain just waiting for the new movie to come out.’

‘Now we’re talking.’Dean pointed to the door ‘Shall we?’

Castiel and Charlie both nodded and her and Dean continued their nerdy conversation throughout the whole ride where Castiel just remained a listener ,never intervening.Moslty because he got nothing to say,but it was ok,because he got to hear Dean’s opinions and see the passion in his eyes as he spoke names Castiel has never heard.

The bar was crowded and lights barely made it possible to see anything clear beside colourful shapes and silhouttes ,but with Dean’s experience he safely guided the newbies into a more cornered booth where the music wasn’t that loud.Not that he didn’t  enjoy the setting but tonight he was more concentrated on the people he was with than himself.Chalie and Castiel were sitting on one side of the booth and Dean on the other side.

‘The music is so…loud and completely not understandable.How can people dance to this?!’ Castiel shouted over the music ,which earned him a louder snort from Charlie but Dean was feeling cocky tonight.

‘Settle down,grandpa.It’s not the best music,I agree,but the kids are having fun.’

Castiel just squinted his eyes at him and Dean thought about telling him that if he tried to intimidate him,he looked like an angry kitten ,so it wasn’t working,but he decided against it.Instead he told them he was going to buy them some drinks to start off the night already,but mostly he just wanted to leave them alone to talk a little bit.He liked Charlie,she was awesome and he had this feeling that he was gonna see her again,but he still couldn’t help but feel like an intruder so he gave them a little time to talk.

The bar wasn’t as crowded as he expected but maybe it was because most people were on the dance floor enjoying the music that was a violation against the code of good music for Dean ,but he loved to get into arguments with his therapist so he played the game.He spent several minutes at the bar,first waiting for the bartender to come,then for the drinks to be ready,then because he got to talking with tis beautiful brown-haired woman,who seemed so graceful and who Dean thought about taking home for tonight and as the conversation was escalating ,he remembered what it was like,to have one night stands,to like to be unstable and just lonely at the end of the night.This was the first time Dean entered a bar since before the car crash and he didn’t even think about it.

Through all the talking and the whispering and the barely there laughs , a nervous Castiel was eyeing him from across the room and as soon as Dean saw him,he wanted to leave the woman and go jump and Cas’s arms and tell him that he’s the one he actually wants and live happily ever after.But,unfortunately for Dean,this wasn’t The Little Mermaid ,not that he wanted to have a fishtail or something.

So Dean excused himself politely and gave the bartender an order for five rounds of shots for the table that they were seated at .Then he took the three glasses of whiskey and went back to Castiel and Charlie keeping that relaxed smile on his face,but the truth was he was getting more agitated by the minute.

Nothing really important took place in the next hour other than talking and just getting to know each other better,including Charlie and by now Dean was really thinking of Charlie as his long lost sister,besides Jo of course…who he hasn’t talked to in a month.Yep,he still needed more achool.By the third shot he noticed something realy funny and that was Castiel laughing.The guy was totally hammered after three shots.THREE!It took like six shots for Dean just call himself ‘a little buzzed’,but he sure as hell wasn’t complaining.Turns out drunk Castiel is way more fun,which was to be expected,but Dean was struck with how much he enjoyed just looking at Castiel and listeing to his really stupid jokes.

‘Hey,Dean.’Castiel called.

‘Yeah.’

‘What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the car?’ Cas asked,barely maintaing his ‘straight face’

‘I don’t know,Cas.What?’Dean was mocking him so bad and just enoying himself.It was all great and he felt like he didn’t have a care in the world.

‘Robin,get in the car!’ Castiel responded in a lower voice probably trying to’imitate’Batman and immediately started laughing ,even Charlie seemed to have loosened up.He was completely disappointed by their low alcohol ressistence.

By the fifth shot,Chalie was leaning back on the couch smiling at the ceiling and Castiel had the cutest sleepy eyes,only Dean was almost sober,which he hated but saw as a good thing actually as he needed to get his friends and himself home safe.

He stood up and stated that it was 1AM and that it was best for them to go home and he got a groan from Charie and a nod from Castiel.As Dean imagined,Castiel wasn’t able to walk without a little support and Charlie concentrating enough to hold herself up,so it was Dean who half carried and half dragged Castiel to the car.To make it all better,apparently hammered Castiel was a talker.So he talked about everything.Mainly bees,which made Dean conclude that it was an unhealthy obsession and that they would have to talk about it.

As he opened the door to the backseat,Dean could feel Castiel become heavier but he still supported the man.When he was finally safely seated he leaned into Dean,so close..Dean could just close the space between them and it would be…

‘You are very strong,Dean.’ Castiel whispered.To that Dean nodded awkwardly.When he finally got himself into the driver’s seat he asked Charlie for Castiel’s address and hers so he could drive them home.

Halfway throught the ride to Castiel’s house ,Charlie looked at him thoughtfully and said:

‘You know Cas likes you,right?’

‘Yeah.And I like him.’ Charlie seemed unsatisfied with his words.

‘I mean like _like_ ,you know?’

‘I know.And I like _like_ him too ,you know.’He managed to keep casual like this was no big deal but _holy shit_.This was one situation he never thought he’d find himself in.

‘Good.’she stated thriumphantly .

He arrived at Cas’s place in fifteen minutes,more or less with the stop and Charlie’s house and the goodbye’s and it took him even more to get Castiel to drink some water and wash his face and get undressed and tuck him into bed as Castiel kept laughing and joking about Dean being the mom friend and a total buzzkill,which in this particular situation it was very true and Dean was not ashamed to admit it.As he watched Castiel for another couple of seconds before turning to leave ,Castiel clutched his hand and pulled him back and Dean let himself be pulled back despite all of his life conceptions.Thenas he was staring at Cas waiting for him to do something ,the man finally spoke,actually it was more of a mumble,but Dean heard it perfectly.

‘Stay with me.’

As much as Dean would just love to freak out ,he leaned over Castiel and starred at him as he said with an apologetic tone:

‘I wish I could,but I can’t.’

‘Why?’ Castiel asked pouting,the disappointment in his voice loud and clear for Dean’s ears to hear.

‘Because I like you and I don’t want to ruin it.And you’re drunk and what you just said might just be the alcohol talking and I don’t want to see you regretting these words in the morning.’

‘But..’

‘Tell me that when you’re sober and we will talk,ok?But for now go to sleep.’Dean advised before getting his hand out of Castiel’s grip.He left the room in a hurry,but still heard Castiel’s loud snored as he was exiting his house.

And he wanted to slap himself for disappointing Castiel and kiss himself at the same time for his great self control.Dean walked to the motel room where he layed for hours just asking himself what the fuck he’s going to do about this before sleep finally stole him away.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not dead.Surprise!!!But I am still an asshole and for that I am really sorry.I had a hard time with this chapter and it's still not what I previously imagined.I don't know how to make it better It might be because I suck at writing but oh well...  
> Enjoy!

 Funnily enough,Dean’s progress in the past month started fading so fast ,it may as well have never existed.Nightmares hunted his sleep everynight ,leaving him awake with his thoughts and voices and it was hell.He was trapped ,again,between four thick walls his mind created that kept him away from all of the good things Castiel insisted life had to offer.The worst thing was his mind never created the door that allowed him to leave the dark corners of his brain.There was no way out.No way.Just alcohol and sadness and grief and low-self esteem and thoughts that would send even a psychopath running ,but Dean was used to it.He has been dealing with it before the accident,before Castiel and will still deal with it after him.

Of course none of it got to Castiel’s ears.It’been..what? - two weeks since their little escapade at the bar and he remembered the monday he came for his session after spending some time with the goof that was Castiel drunk and he found the man sitting at his desk writing ,as usual.Only this time as soon as Dean sat down ,Castiel started talking ,his face red to the tip of his ears and he told Dean how sorry he was that he has been the one to drive Castiel home and thanked him for driving Charlie home as well and informed him that she considered him a ‘cool dude’ and apologized again and again and again and Dean couldn’t bear to hear it.To hear Castiel say it.That was Dean’s line.He was sorry.He was the failiure.

Not Cas.

Never Cas.

‘Don’t sweat it,Cas.Was my pleasure.’ Dean played it cool.Castiel looked a little surprised for a second but then smiled and asked

‘How are you,Dean?’

_Well,surprinsingly, not good.I feel like I took a big step back and I’m a little scared of regressing even more._

‘I’m fine.’

And so it went on.And Castiel seemed more relaxed and…happy and Dean…well.Dean felt like Dean.Sweetly broken.But he continued.Continued talking to Castiel so he wouldn’t cause any turbulence,not when Castiel was doing good.Castiel would never get to worry about Dean. _Never._ Dean wouldn’t let him.

And so time passed …days, sessions, sleepless nights ,weeks…

Dean was in Castiel’s office again today.It was a Wednesday and they were talking about Dean’s parents again.His father _again_.

‘And you still don’t blame him?’

‘No,it wasn’t his fault.I can’t blame him.It was mostly me.’

‘What?’

At this point Dean was so full of lies ,he was about to explode.He was feeling sick and this wasn’t helping.Talking.Not like it was supposed to.Not like it used to.He was so deep in memories of a sad childhood,of Sammy being scared of their father’s late night drunk appearance and yet rebellious of this lifestyle,always wanting to leave Dean and dad who did nothing but tell him what a disgrace he was ,that he wasn’t good and he knew it and he hated it and he moved on.It was hard for him,kind of,he wouldn’t complain about,because it was better than nothing.It was.If it wasn’t for Castiel nobody would know how he felt at all ,but that was all right.It wasn’t his right to brag about it.There were people who,unfortunately,have it worst than him.

_It wasn’t the killer’s right to cry for his victim._

Many years of practice made him numb to this kind of stuff,feelings as much as expressing them was an unknown art to Dean.Whisky was always there.

Lost in his thoughts and reminiscent of younger days he answeared mechanically to the voice that was talking to him.

‘It’s my fault.’he said not taking his eyes off the ground. ‘All of it.Dad was right.’

‘Right about what?’

‘About me.’

‘What about you,Dean.’

‘I’m the monster.’ He whispered,voice trembling with regret.’I’m the killer.I killed them.’ _Remember that thought you had every night for about two weeks?Yeah,not following the plan,here pal._

Castiel was whiter than white,watching Dean with pained eyes.That was sure to wake Dean up from the trance of memories.Unfortunately, the ‘play it cool’ plan was long overdue now.

So here's another fun fact about Dean.Remotely he has two major plans in case he screws up,which is kind of is the situation here.The first one is to act normal,like nothing happened,which we established earlier wasn’t even worth trying,so then plan B is the great fleeting.When he comes to think of it,he uses that plan a lot earlier.

He couldn’t explain himself now and he was sure as hell Castiel wouldn’t let the subject drop so he immediately raised from his chair grabbed his coat and made a run for the door.This time Castiel followed him ,calling his name in despair as opposed to the last time Dean left the scene.

Castiel’s office was more than just a fancy room .It was more like a second home and so it was built.It was a little apartment ,it even had a tiny kitchen and a microwave in the place of a stove,everything that would make Castiel and his patiences sometimes feel comfortable,even though most of the days he didn’t leave the office.And so when Dean ran through his workroom’s door to exit the apartment he had to walk through a corridor to get to the main door that connected to the outside.

Dean was full on running by now.Damn the corridor!How long was it actually?!He knew it wasn’t that long but everything was moving in slow-motion for him .Damn the panick!And damn Castiel for not leaving him alone! And damn himself for being a stupid,stupid,fucking idiot!To hell with all!!!

Finally.Door.Finally.

‘Dean!Please!You got to talk to me!’

Hand on the doorknob and jerked movements in desperate attempts at opening the damn exit but Castiel was there keeping the door closed with one hand propped at the hight of Dean’s head.After a few more seconds of just blindly pulling the knob,just hoping for it to open and for Castiel to let him go ,he gave up,banging his head on the door once.before stepping back and turning around to see the therapist still catching his breath.

‘Let me go.’he whispered,suddenly drained of any willpower he migh’ve had just minutes ago. ‘Just…please.’

‘I can’t do that,Dean.’

_Sure he can!He just has to let the door open.It’s that simple!_

‘And why the hell not?’he hissed at Castiel and could see the result for his passive aggressive behavior in Castiel shifting nervously in his suit,but then he froze and looked into Dean’s eyes like he never did before.He could read something in there.Was that…pain?Pain Dean caused.That feeling of sickness and the wish of just dissapearing so he doesn’t have to deal with hurting a person he likes…yeah he felt that right now.The smoothed features of Castiel’s face shadowed by the suffering that this exact situation brought him made Dean want to kill himself.What the hell was wrong with him?He really was a monster.The monster.

‘Because you’re hurt.’

‘Cas..’

‘Dean.No.’ Castiel continued dropping his hand at his side ‘What you said,back in my office…that…that was...’ Castiel was stuttering ,he almost never stuttered.The hell? ‘That was wrong.Dean why would you consider yourself such awful things when you are obviously not?Your not a monster,nor a killer.You are yet again another victim of the unfairness that is this…this painfull life.’ And Castiel eyes were starting to get glassy and if he was about to cry ,Dean wouldn’t ,he couldn’t ever look at himself again.Not after this.As usual Castiel refrained from letting even the tinyest tear spill as he kept talking.

‘I believe you to be a wonderful person, Dean Winchester.Amazing,really.But what you are doing...to yourself is beyond… unhealthy.I’m here to help you.If you would let me.’

‘Can I go now?’

‘I want to help you.’

‘Can I _go_?’

‘Dean.’

‘I want to _leave_.’

‘ _Dean_.’

‘I can’t-I-I don’t just…’

‘Dean.’

He stopped.He could turn around and leave and this time he was 90 percent sure Castiel would not stop it but he remained still and let Castiel ramble on because on some level Dean felt a little bit better hearing Castiel saying things like that to him,telling him he's not the monster,that his father was wrong and that Castiel believed in him and was there for him.It made him feel better,safer.He couldn’t explain it,but he was grateful for the little moment and grateful for Castiel and his stubborn mind and his kind personality…for him in general.

‘Just stay a little longer.’

‘Cas…I can’t.’

‘Sure you can.Let’s talk.’

‘I can’t.’ he whispered with a trembling voice and if he had the guts to look at Castiel he was sure he would see the disappointment .Instead,he waited until that voice was whispering back to him, more compassionate than ever.

‘Why not?’

And seriously what the hell?! His heart was aching with regret and want and pain and happiness and all that was coming from Castiel and he wanted to be held by the man ,to let him ‘help’ ,to help him back,to help each other because obviously they were both broken and incomplete and Dean admitted to himself that he wanted to be there,that he wanted help and to help and to be happy and to break the walls around his mind and shine some light into that darkness that were his daily thoughts and that light was standing right in front of him and it would be so easy to just…let himself be fine,at least for a while.

Then an image of Castiel’s face when he was about to cry because Dean was a prick crossed his mind and he remember.That’s why it wasn’t that easy.Because he was past the point where he could’ve been helped and he couldn’t help Castiel,just hurt him,like he did with everyone else.It was better if he would just leave.He was getting to attached to his shrink as it was ,the last thing he needed was a little extra time with him.With all that,Castiel was still there,still waiting for an answear and Dean figured screw it.He will tell the truth.Mybe that will finally drive the therapist away and he wouldn’t have to handle all this by himself.

‘Because I like you too.’

‘Excuse me?’ Castiel says turning more red with every syllabus .

‘I-I like you,Castiel and if I’m not wrong,the feeling is sort of mutual.’Castiel was watching him with interest and fear if Dean got it right. ‘But I-I’m not good news.I’m poison.All I ever did and, do is hurt people and you…you are too good to be hurt by me.I won’t ever do that to you. ‘Cause you deserve better.’he turned to leave ,patting himself on the back for great self control and for great end line.Now he’s free to go get drunk. _Awesome_.

‘Don’t you dare.’

‘What?’

‘You heard me.Don’t you dare walk out of me.’Castiel seemed angry.But why?This plan backfired on Dean so hard.He was starting to wonder if Castiel would punch him or just yell at him or maybe yell at him and punch him and then throw him out.

Castiel was getting yet again into Dean’s personal space which started to become a normal thing for them ,but right now it only served to make the situation even more uncomfortable.

‘What you just told me now is a too important statement for you to leave me alone.Because that’ he said closing the space between them with another small step ‘would really hurt me and not drive me away as you probably hoped.’

‘How did you-?’

‘But it would make me really, really happy’ he went on ,completely ignoring Dean’s attempts at talking ‘ if you would stay and talk to me a little while longer.’

‘Wow,emotional blackmail!That’s- ‘

‘Dean,would you stay with me?’

And now, see here’s the thing from all the things Dean imagined would happen,this wasn’t one of the possibilities either.Truth be told ,Castiel is awesome and, unpredictable and weird,so,so weird,which Dean very much enjoyed and staying was probably going to make him feel a little better .Actually scratch that- a lot better.With Cas standing so close to him,asking him just for time,Dean just wanted to give him all,even more than he had ,but one romantic chick flick moment was enough for a day.On the other hand,if he would just lean,just a little bit and catch Castiel’s lips with his and gently cup his face ,that he imagined would turn red by then and after that maybe he could…

‘Sure,Cas.Ok.I’ll-I’ll stay.’

Before he spoke the last words he saw Castiel brighten up like Christmas tree and Dean followed soon enough and they stayed like that a bit and then Castiel took another microscopic step forward and now he could feel his breath and then it got closer and closer and before Dean even had time to process before Castiel leaned over and past him to lock the door behind him that was only half closed.

‘Shall we?’ he asked,gesturing to his office to which Dean nodded dumbly but stood there because what just happened?Did he..?Did Castiel Novak,the shrink with the stick up his ass 24/7 teased him?And Dean let himself hope for it?

That fucking asshole!

And so it went on.They kept talking and Dean sort of made a habbit of staying after hours with Castiel when he didn’t have other patients.Funny thing is,most of the time they wouldn’t be talking about Dean or Dean’s father or brother or lonely childhoods ,but just getting to know each other.Dean was now aware that Castiel’s favorite food was cheeseburgers and that he made a tradition of picking one up every Friday on his way home and Castiel knew that Dean actually had a car that he loved very much,but was destroyed in the car crash and Dean never got around to repairing his ‘baby’ as he like to call her.

They knew lots of things about one another from their messed up lives to their biggest hopes and dreams when they were little.There were even better times in that office when they were shamelessly firlting or accidently touching,but with all that they never went further,they probably didn’t know how and that was driving Dean mad.

As expected,there were no fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows for Dean’s part but his situation was improving ,little steps to the point where he could say that he’s fine and actually mean it.

There were days when Dean would wake up from a really bad nightmare and everything would be quiet,he would do nothing but breath and lay in bed and even that seemed hard when horror memeories of the accident decided to show up.Fortunately, that never happened when he had to go to Cas.Sometimes they had long and truly awful conversations about feelings and all that crap and as much as Dean hated it,he understood it was supposed to help.Good thing was Castiel was talking too and not just asking questions but actually sharing bits of his life with him that he hadn’t even with Charlie and that was scary and eliberating at the same time.And he was in so much trouble.

Of course Dean would be nothing but supporting and caring and Castiel would just imagine about reapying his kindness with something he knew they both wanted but were too confused to admit.It was cute ‘cause Castiel knew that if he would kiss Dean ,he would respond and it would be alright to do so and they would forget about the world, lost in each other’s embrace and everything would be fine.

 

They were trusting one another,strengthening their connection with every single sentence and look they exchanged.They were making progress, even further than Castiel had hoped.He could see the trust in Dean’s eyes and the warmth that his voice had when he spoke to him and Cas was proud of himself, and Dean,of them-together.He was helping.

 

‘Dean ,if I may, why do you trust me?’

‘What do you mean?’ a puzzled look on Dean’s face.

‘Why did you decide to talk to me?’

Dean smiled and looked him straight in the eyes as he started to speak.

‘I mean, you’re a shrink.Shouldn’t I do that?Plus,you’re a friend now.’Castiel’s face broke into a smile,which signaled the time for Dean to make a douchy joke. ‘Even better,you’re not the asshole I believed you to be…I think.’

‘Ha-ha.Hilarious as always,Dean.’

‘But for real now, you listen to me and you don’t judge me..most of the times.And I respect the fact that you didn’t stick your nose into my business until I let you in.I know how some other therapists would have probably gone to Ellen or someone close and ask what the hell happened ,what’s wrong with me and try to fix it right away.’ there was a long pause in his short speech when Castiel realized he fucked up really bad,but of course he wouldn’t tell Dean and it’s not like he did it on purpose but when Ellen starts telling a story Castiel tends to sit and listen and everything be damned- he’s not going to ruin everything.

‘I got to tell you myself what happened and I got to build my trust in you and...thank you for helping.I appreciate it.’Dean was noddind along with every word.

‘I believe we help each other,Dean.’

What Dean didn’t know couldn’t hurt him and it was sure as hell going to stay that way.


End file.
